Day 9: Final Tally...

Total food consumption: 1 Boca Burger, 5 strawberries
Calorie count: 115 (pass)
Carb count: 16g (pass)
Sugar count: 5g (pass)

Total exercise: 5 hours work, *unsure if slowly dying on the inside counts towards exercise*
Calories burnt: At least 610

Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): 495

My will to live at this point is...dangerously low.

I think I cried for about three hours today. I did not go out to jog. I did not exercise whatsoever. I lay on my bed and wept, then simply tried to close my eyes, then went to work. I had no appetite. I had my Boca Burger and some strawberries (only because they were about to go bad and I feel guilty wasting food I did not personally buy). I will probably only eat a Boca Burger or some asparagus tomorrow...if anything. 

I wish I knew the reason why I cried. But I don't. I hardly ever do. All I do know is that I am tired. I am not hungry. I will not reach my goal. I will not end up exercising tomorrow. I will do nothing tomorrow. I amount to nothing. I am worth nothing. 

I. Don't. Want. To. Exist. 

Day 9: The Morning Report...

Weight: 113.4 lbs

Knew it.

I know it's not actual fat I gained, but the weight of the food itself. Hopefully I can "dispose" of it before July 1st.

In other news today: we just had a fucking huge thunderstorm! From the sound of the wind, I thought we were in the middle of a tornado or something. It just settled down roughly an hour or so ago, and there are branches and...stuff everywhere. Nothing that would stop me from heading to the track though.

Now that I have my green tea back, I can get back to my normal routine. I'll make a Boca Burger, go out for my jog, come back, not eat anything else (unless I feel sick), do some weights, work on some shit, eat some vegetables, go to work, come home. With lots of green tea in between all of that. Sounds like fun. -_-

All this rain and poor weather (ionization of the air?) has made me groggy and even more tired than usual. I want to do a good job at the track today but...we will see. I'm still determined to get to 110 lbs. by July 1st.

Alright, Boca Burger time...

Oh! (again) Welcome new follower "Tree"! I hope you find this blog helpful in some way, feel free to comment or make requests.

And onwards.

Day 8: Final Tally...

Total food consumption: 1 Boca Burger, 6 strawberries, 6 pieces of asparagus
Calorie count: 136 (pass)
Carb count: 21g (pass)
Sugar count: 6g (pass)

Total exercise: 1.5 hours walking/jogging
Calories burnt: At least 333

Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): 197

So...

My plans for the day did not really go as expected. I did go out for my jog, and it was fairly decent. I keep running into this woman who brings the cutest dog in the world with her for her walks. It's some sort of German Shepard/Australian Shepard/Chow mix. And it's awesome. Only problem is: it's not very sociable or welcoming to strangers. The woman told me I couldn't pet her simply because it would probably growl or try to bite me. Anyways, I'm getting off track. After my jog I came home and got ready to meet my appointment. It was only supposed to last an hour or so, possibly less, but it ended up dragging out almost till evening. So most of my day was shot. I finally came home (starving of course, and still without my green tea) and my mom had once again fired up the new indoor grill. I ended up gorging myself on the strawberries, but managed to get away with only a few pieces of asparagus. It should have been the other way around, but they were taking too long and I didn't have my green tea and huuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrggggghhhhh... And then the glorious moment arrived when I finally left to get some green tea. And I stocked up. Yee-fucking-haw. I know now that I am completely dependent on this green tea to fill me up and keep me from continuously nibbling on fruits like strawberries and grapes. Which is a habit I am starting to form that needs to stop. With a Boca Burger I make one and once it’s gone, it’s gone. With grapes, I can keep eating "just one more". I know my weight will go up from today (then again, seeing the track record recently I'll end up being fucking 109 lbs. or something ridiculous) but at least I finally have my green tea. I can keep all hunger at bay.

Even though I'm still disappointed in myself for all the strawberries today, I'm also kind of proud of myself for controlling my eating in other aspects. I didn't once have cereal or rice cakes or calorie high fruits, even when I very much wanted to (and not just today). In fact, I seem to be restricting my choices more and more each day. Keeping myself within the calorie limit I set for myself is easy, requires no effort or thought whatsoever, but keeping myself in the carb count requires work. Exercise is a whole 'nother ball of wax I need to improve upon...but I won't bore you with my inadequacies any longer.

I know I won't hit 110 lbs. by July 1st (I've made too many mistakes) but I'm still going to try.

I apologize for the dull, chatty, randomness of this post. I'm tired (but not sleepy of course, oh insomnia how I adore you -_-) and listless and feel the need to write something, but have absolutely nothing of value to write.

"Tired" is the perfect word to describe me right now (and most of the time). I'm tired. Tired of not being perfect. Tired of work. Tired of my entire situation. Tired of who I am. Tired of existing. Just very, very, very tired...

Day 8: The Morning Report...

Weight: 112.8 lbs

Oh.

Wow.

So I guess I'm closing up my shop as gypsy fortune teller. This is great! I only dropped a little weight, but I'm also seeing a flat(ish) stomach! Just a little over two pounds to go till I hit 110! Just maybe I can do it in two/three days.

And I have really become reinvigorated. I am going to really push myself and make some tougher goals for myself. I know I can do it.

First off, I will push myself harder and/or longer when I'm out jogging. I want to be out today for either 1.5-2 hours, and step up my intensity. Its embarrassing that some little old ladies are going faster than I am. I will also do my weights. I mean it. Every day, no matter what, no matter when, I will do at least some sort of workout routine with them, along with normal exercises like crunches and squats and so forth. And as soon as I buy my green tea today, I will buckle down on eating the absolute minimum. (It is sort of mind boggling how some girls/women live an entire day on one slice of an apple, or three crackers for the whole day on a continuous basis.) I have the strength, willpower, and determination to do this. I will do this. I will see my ultimate goal weight (or lower) by next month. No exceptions. This will happen.

Alright...Boca Burger and a jog!

Onwards!

Day 7: Final Tally...

Total food consumption: 1 Boca Burger, 3 strawberries, 2 plumcots, 10(ish) grapes
Calorie count: 191 (pass)
Carb count: 37g (fail)
Sugar count: 25g (pass, but just barely)

Total exercise: 1 walking/jogging, 8 hours working
Calories burnt: At least 1,200

Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): 1,009

I'm using the "shopping" choice instead of "standing" for determining how many calories I burn at work for reasons I've already explained. So on work days I will end up having a truer (hopefully) estimate of what I'm really burning.

Even though today seems like it was a good day...I'm not satisfied. I should have had my Boca Burger and either a plumcot or some vegetables. But I was just that lazy and couldn't even prepare some asparagus or mushrooms and went for the "easier" plumcot. My mom was somewhat responsible for the strawberries, but thankfully, I only had three. The grapes were (once again) my own fault, but I only finished off the few that were left. I know exactly what the problem is too. My lack of green tea. It is a life saver and completely compensated for lack of food and kept my hunger almost completely at bay. (I'm also fairly certain it increases metabolism, but regardless, the drink is wonderful.) I need to sneak some home (damn you aspartame!) for without it I am tempted to eat. I can honestly say that me guzzling down 20 gallons of green tea is the only reason I am fine with running on 150 or so calories a day. I want it so badly. Neeeeed.

So that's tomorrow's goal: get the cancer breeding, caffeine rich, diuretic GREEN TEA. Awesome.

I also don't work tomorrow (but have a work "appointment" of sorts) so I should definitely be able to go out, then do some goddamn fucking weights, get glorious green tea, and...oh yea, not eat.

And of course I know my weight will go up. I ate too much solid food. I have been considering going on a liquid diet, but I don't really know how to do it within vegan parameters and keep it under 200 calories. Vegetable broth is almost calorie-less...but I know that will get old real quick.

Hurrrrrrgggghhhhhh...

Maybe I can just live off green tea. -_-

Sorry for boring post today. I'm just angry at myself and frustrated with many things not food related.

I don't deserve to go onwards...

Ranting, Rambling, and Randomness...

I did go out for an hour. Yeehaw. And I stepped up my intensity. Yeehaw. I had a Boca Burger before and a plumcot after. Hopefully I will eat pretty much nothing the rest of the day after work.

Anyways, the rest of this will just be me rambling on about a few things on my mind, most concerning eating disorders.

I'm in no way surprised how my family is reacting to all of this. After years of suffering from extreme depression and after multiple suicide attempts, my family only then came to the conclusion that "something may be wrong". It was sort of amusing how even the hospital therapist was like: "you guys were sort of slow on the uptake on this one". Understatement. They aren't abusive, cruel, or unfeeling at all. It's simply the way my family works. Both of my parents' have gone through a lot of suffering and tragedy, especially in their childhood and adolescence, and neither of them had families who confronted and discussed issues either. My mother herself has suffered from depression and anorexia. To an almost deadly end. I know I get a lot of my "mental" problems from her, so I sometimes wonder why she doesn't really interfere or mention anything. I know she knows (I'm pretty sure at this point everyone in my family knows) for she has questioned me at a few points. "You sure you don't want some, you haven't really eaten today." "You sure you don't want lunch before work?" "You look really tired, are you hungry?" But this family is in no way confrontational about serious matters. At all. I'll be 90 lbs. before any real "action" will probably take place.

I sometimes wonder why I'm doing this. I know at least a small portion of it is do to genetics and a predisposition on my mom's part (I'm not blaming her though, she can't help it). I also know part of it has to do with the perfectionist in me. I have always and forever will be a perfectionist in everything I do. Especially my passions such as art. And I think a small part may be due to my Asperger tendencies. It's almost like it's an experiment for me. I am treating myself like a specimen. Unlike a lot of girls (or a fair portion at least) who have an eating disorder, I'm not doing this to fit in, or become some pretty skinny girl, or impress guys. I have no friends, I'm asexual, and I don't really care for people in general. Honestly, I think it boils down to me displaying internal suffering, and the fact that I in no way whatsoever want to grow up. Ever. I want to be a child so badly, and I know anorexia usually stems from a fear or hatred of becoming an adult.

I have never felt like I belonged in this world/time/dimension. Like I'm some lost child who got separated from a fantastical place of wonder. And like the "Little Prince" I know I can never get home until I die. I would do anything to leave this world, or to simply not exist. I don't belong here, I can't survive here.

Alright, there we go. A little insight I suppose. I would probably have written more, but I have to go to work. Yay. -_-

*sigh*

Day 7: The Morning Report...

Weight: 113.2

So I'm no soothsayer.

Obviously.

I think what happened is all those grapes cleaned out my system, if you catch my drift. I knew I wasn't going to gain anything extraordinary from them, but achieving my lowest weight ever is a surprise. It's sort of invigorating realizing I'm only 3 lbs. away from hitting 100 lbs. I could actually achieve my mini goal. Maybe. That would require me losing a pound or so a day for the next three days. Can I do it? I predict I will hover around 111.7 lbs. or something, and that 110 will become my new 120, but as we've all seen, I can't predict shit now can I?

But even though I work the early shift this morning, I am going out to exercise. Even if I only do it for 45 minutes or an hour I will have done something. I'm getting tired of promising you (and myself) that I will do room exercises and weights and then not doing so, but I see no reason to break with tradition. -_- Maybe today I will. But I know I won't. *sigh*

And I am really going to watch myself today. I'm pretty confident that I learned my lesson, but I am still going to watch myself like a hawk. Absolutely no unnecessary food. Just my Boca Burger, then my walk/jog, then work. Then maybe some vegetables when I come home.

Alright here we go.

Onwards...

Day 6: Final Tally, and "How to Handle Binges"...

Total food consumption: 1 Boca Burger, 6 strawberries, portion of a salad, numerous grapes
Calorie count: Between 222 and 350 (FAIL)
Carb count: At least 45g (FAIL)
Sugar count: At least 30g (FAIL)

Total exercise: 1.5 walking/jogging, 2-3 hours shopping
Calories burnt: At least 523

Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): Between 301 and 173

Oh.

My.

God.

So before I fully comprehend my behavior today and jump out my window (which would most likely only result in me spraining my ankle -_-) let's look over the day's events, shall we?

This morning was perfect. I had my one Boca Burger and set off to walk/jog. It was cool out, after an irritating "mini-heatwave", and I ended up going six times around my track, and was fairly pleased with myself as I was getting back on track with my routine. I came home and in an effort to do something besides stay in the house and be surrounded by food (my sister had just baked a cake "thing" with blueberries in it) I offered to help her with learning how to drive (she has been learning for a while now, but is not exactly skilled) and coached her through driving around to complete various errands (hence the shopping) as well as do the grocery shopping for my family, a trip I always enjoy (I suppose I'm living vicariously through the event as I shop for food). There was a bit of a false alarm as I somehow deluded myself into asking for a particular type of veggie sushi that wasn't available. The chef eventually told me that they were out of the tofu for it (thank goodness) and asked if I'd like something else instead. Thankfully, I came to my senses and declined. Even though I almost stumbled a bit, I considered the whole event a great victory. Sushi has been the one great source of longing for me since I delved into this anorexic lifestyle. And I turned away.

But then this is where things turned for the worse.

As soon as we came home with our groceries I almost immediately engulfed a plumcot. That in and of itself wasn't really an issue, I was just mad at my lack of self-control over how quickly I ate it. And then I had some strawberries (at the time it was only three, so I knew it was not really going to destroy my day or anything). And then things went really bad. Put the kids to bed for this one, folks. So I was eventually talked into (by my sister, of course) to take her on one last errand. Finished, she complained she was hungry and we went to Panera. I've never eaten at Panera before, and knowing this, my sister demanded I "try" something. My eyes scanning the listed calories, I knew I was going to be screwed with anything besides "water", so I tried to convince her I wasn't hungry. My family has recently become somewhat wise to my ways (they realize I'm not really eating, yet are alright with this, I'm sure I'll post something about this later on in the week -_-) and my sister argued that I had barley eaten all day (not true, I had already eaten more today than I had any other day this week). So I finally agreed to a salad. And it was huge. Luckily, I was able to get away with only eating half of it and gave her the rest. But still. It was a good 100 or so calories at least. Huuuuuuurrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh. O_o

And then came my mini binge. The true horror of the day. I. Ate. So. Many. Fucking. Grapes.

I lost count. I just kept eating them. Could it have been worse. Oh yea, a lot worse. But still, I had been doing so well lately. I know I won't shoot up 6 lbs or anything, but I doubt what I see tomorrow will make me happy. I'm just so angry that I ate so much when I really didn't need to. The burger and plum was acceptable, perfect even. Even just one or two strawberries or a small handful of grapes would have been alright. But nooooooo, I had to eat that stupid salad with that stupid dressing, with all those stupid fucking grapes. And I almost considered just fucking it all by eating some chips or cereal or something. Miraculously I actually showed some restraint. Somehow.

I'm a failure. And I hate myself for today. I could have made progress, but instead I screwed it up!

But I also have fresh determination to really nip this binging in the butt. I know I can do it because today could have been sooooooooo muuuuuuuch woooooooooorse.

So here is a short tips and strategy list for what to do before, during, and after a binge...

Before...

· Stop and really consider what you’re going to get out of this. Will that small bag of chips, or slice of pizza, or scoop of icecream really satisfy your hunger? No. So you will eat more. And more. And more.

· Remember that once you start, it is so hard to put the food down. You've already awakened your stomach and it won't give up it's desire for even more food without a fight. The hunger you're feeling now will look like a trip to the park compared to the hunger you will have to face when trying to stop mid binge.

· Drink water. Or any calorie/sugar free drink. Load up on the liquid till you feel sick. The you will not want to eat anything.

· I personally don't like gum (and most brands aren't vegan), but it may work for you. It will at least keep your mouth busy while not consuming vast quantities of calories.

· Try to distract yourself with any activity, from exercise to reading to looking at thinspo. Anything that requires both hands (none left to eat) or gets you away from your food source is perfect.

· Calculate all the nutritional information of about 10 servings of whatever your about to eat. Realize you will probably surpass consuming even that amount. Still hungry?

During...

· Don't worry, it's never too late to stop. The worst thing you can do is say to yourself: "oh well, I already ruined my day, why stop now?" Why? Well let's see, how does only 800 calories worth of chips or bread, or whatever compare to 2,000? A calorie is a calorie and every single one of them counts.

· Sprinkle some sort of condiment that disgusts you over your food. Hopefully you won't continue to eat it anymore.

· Keep drinking. Try to fill up on as much water as possible, rather than the food.

· DON'T eat in front of the tv or computer, you will quickly lose track and eat much more than you intended.

After...

· Don't panic.

· Try to count up the calorie/nutritional information as best you can, become aware of what you have consumed.

· Treat it as a learning experience, but don't go easy on yourself. Try to see if anything in particular "set you off" and realize in the future to avoid similar situations.

· Throw out or cease buying any foods you tend to binge on. These are usually foods with high fat and carb counts (breads, grains, pastas, pizzas, etc.)

· WEIGH YOURSELF THE NEXT DAY. You need to realize the conqequences of your actions, otherwise you will never learn. I don't care how much you ate, or how many pounds you think you gained. Weigh yourself. When you see how many pounds result in eating 15 cupcakes, you will think twice next time.

Alright, there we go. Nothing groundbreaking here, but I knew I needed to put down something. I will most likely add to this list as time goes by.

I'm still disgusted with myself. (If I had my green tea this wouldn't have happened. But my parents refuse to let me drink it anymore. Too bad, I'm buying some and keeping them hidden in my room.)

Ugh...why?

Day 6: The Morning Report...

Weight: 114.4 lbs

I was expecting this, seeing how much water I didn't drink the other day then replaced yesterday...but still. You're supposed to go the other way scale!

Today is actually going to be very cool outside, so this makes for perfect jogging weather! Yeehaw. Today will be a busy day, even if I don't have work, but I promise: I WILL WRITE THAT TIPS POST TODAY IF IT KILLS ME.

Alright, it's a short post (for once). Regardless of my gain (however inaccurate my "loss" was), I'm in a fairly good mood today. One Boca Burger and a jog coming up!

Oh! And I almost forgot: we have a new follower. Welcome "Rain"! Please feel free to comment or request tips posts!

And onwards!

Day 5: Final Tally...

Total food consumption: 1 Boca Burger, 12 asparagus, 20(ish) grapes
Calorie count: 162 (pass)
Carb count: 30g (pass, but just barely)
Sugar count: 16g (pass)

Total exercise: 9.5 hours of work
Calories burnt: At least 580

Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): 418

To be honest, I could probably double the amount of calories I burnt at work simply because I am only calculating the calories I burnt from merely standing for 9.5 hours. I am never standing in one place for more than a few moments, I'm lifting boxes and always shuffling around the store doing something. But I have no idea how many calories I've truly burnt, so I just stick with what I'm positive of. I use this fantastic site to determine how much I've burned off from pretty much any activity, it's very simple to use: http://www.healthstatus.com/calculate/cbc

Oh, and I think a mini mystery has been solved. I think I'm coming down with a cold or something. I know that normally I shouldn't exactly be excited over the prospect of feeling like death, but it explains my severe drop in energy for the past day or so. Tomorrow I don't work, so if I'm not sick, I will definitely go out and exercise. And I promise to make that stupid tips list for binging! I will also try to add some pictures. Or something.

I'm actually pretty curious to see what my weigh-in tomorrow will reveal. I doubt I will be the same, much less a lower weight...but who knows? I'm contemplating giving myself some sort of reward (a piercing or two maybe?) if I can manage to reach 110 lbs. by the end of June.

Anyways, even thought I'm exhausted (what else is new?) and I'm freezing and feel all around lousy...I saw some fireflies on my way home. And that made me a little happy.

And I got my first follower today! Welcome "hiding*ED"!

Onwards we go...