Total
food consumption:
1 Boca Burger, 5 strawberries
Calorie count:
115 (pass)
Carb count: 16g (pass)
Sugar count: 5g
(pass)
Total exercise: 5 hours work, *unsure if slowly dying on the inside counts towards exercise*
Calories
burnt: At least 610
Total calories burned (excluding natural
metabolism): 495
My will to live at this point is...dangerously low.
I think I cried for about three hours today. I did not go out to jog. I did not exercise whatsoever. I lay on my bed and wept, then simply tried to close my eyes, then went to work. I had no appetite. I had my Boca Burger and some strawberries (only because they were about to go bad and I feel guilty wasting food I did not personally buy). I will probably only eat a Boca Burger or some asparagus tomorrow...if anything.
I wish I knew the reason why I cried. But I don't. I hardly ever do. All I do know is that I am tired. I am not hungry. I will not reach my goal. I will not end up exercising tomorrow. I will do nothing tomorrow. I amount to nothing. I am worth nothing.
I. Don't. Want. To. Exist.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Day 9: The Morning Report...
Weight: 113.4 lbs
Knew it.
I know it's not actual fat I gained, but the weight of the food itself. Hopefully I can "dispose" of it before July 1st.
In other news today: we just had a fucking huge thunderstorm! From the sound of the wind, I thought we were in the middle of a tornado or something. It just settled down roughly an hour or so ago, and there are branches and...stuff everywhere. Nothing that would stop me from heading to the track though.
Now that I have my green tea back, I can get back to my normal routine. I'll make a Boca Burger, go out for my jog, come back, not eat anything else (unless I feel sick), do some weights, work on some shit, eat some vegetables, go to work, come home. With lots of green tea in between all of that. Sounds like fun. -_-
All this rain and poor weather (ionization of the air?) has made me groggy and even more tired than usual. I want to do a good job at the track today but...we will see. I'm still determined to get to 110 lbs. by July 1st.
Alright, Boca Burger time...
Oh! (again) Welcome new follower "Tree"! I hope you find this blog helpful in some way, feel free to comment or make requests.
And onwards.
Knew it.
I know it's not actual fat I gained, but the weight of the food itself. Hopefully I can "dispose" of it before July 1st.
In other news today: we just had a fucking huge thunderstorm! From the sound of the wind, I thought we were in the middle of a tornado or something. It just settled down roughly an hour or so ago, and there are branches and...stuff everywhere. Nothing that would stop me from heading to the track though.
Now that I have my green tea back, I can get back to my normal routine. I'll make a Boca Burger, go out for my jog, come back, not eat anything else (unless I feel sick), do some weights, work on some shit, eat some vegetables, go to work, come home. With lots of green tea in between all of that. Sounds like fun. -_-
All this rain and poor weather (ionization of the air?) has made me groggy and even more tired than usual. I want to do a good job at the track today but...we will see. I'm still determined to get to 110 lbs. by July 1st.
Alright, Boca Burger time...
Oh! (again) Welcome new follower "Tree"! I hope you find this blog helpful in some way, feel free to comment or make requests.
And onwards.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Day 8: Final Tally...
Total food consumption: 1 Boca Burger, 6 strawberries, 6 pieces of asparagus
Calorie count: 136 (pass)
Carb count: 21g (pass)
Sugar count: 6g (pass)
Total exercise: 1.5 hours walking/jogging
Calories burnt: At least 333
Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): 197
Calorie count: 136 (pass)
Carb count: 21g (pass)
Sugar count: 6g (pass)
Total exercise: 1.5 hours walking/jogging
Calories burnt: At least 333
Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): 197
So...
My plans for the day did not really
go as expected. I did go out for my jog, and it was fairly decent. I keep
running into this woman who brings the cutest dog in the world with her for her
walks. It's some sort of German Shepard/Australian Shepard/Chow mix. And it's awesome.
Only problem is: it's not very sociable or welcoming to strangers. The woman
told me I couldn't pet her simply because it would probably growl or try to
bite me. Anyways, I'm getting off track. After my jog I came home and got ready
to meet my appointment. It was only supposed to last an hour or so, possibly
less, but it ended up dragging out almost till evening. So most of my day was
shot. I finally came home (starving of course, and still without my green tea)
and my mom had once again fired up the new indoor grill. I ended up gorging
myself on the strawberries, but managed to get away with only a few pieces of
asparagus. It should have been the other way around, but they were taking too
long and I didn't have my green tea and huuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrggggghhhhh... And
then the glorious moment arrived when I finally left to get some green tea. And
I stocked up. Yee-fucking-haw. I know now that I am completely dependent on
this green tea to fill me up and keep me from continuously nibbling on fruits
like strawberries and grapes. Which is a habit I am starting to form that needs
to stop. With a Boca Burger I make one and once it’s gone, it’s gone. With
grapes, I can keep eating "just one more". I know my weight will go
up from today (then again, seeing the track record recently I'll end up being
fucking 109 lbs. or something ridiculous) but at least I finally have my green
tea. I can keep all hunger at bay.
Even though I'm still disappointed
in myself for all the strawberries today, I'm also kind of proud of myself for
controlling my eating in other aspects. I didn't once have cereal or rice cakes
or calorie high fruits, even when I very much wanted to (and not just
today). In fact, I seem to be restricting my choices more and more each day.
Keeping myself within the calorie limit I set for myself is easy, requires no
effort or thought whatsoever, but keeping myself in the carb count requires
work. Exercise is a whole 'nother ball of wax I need to improve upon...but I
won't bore you with my inadequacies any longer.
I know I won't hit 110 lbs. by July
1st (I've made too many mistakes) but I'm still going to try.
I apologize for the dull, chatty,
randomness of this post. I'm tired (but not sleepy of course, oh insomnia how I
adore you -_-) and listless and feel the need to write something, but have
absolutely nothing of value to write.
"Tired" is the perfect
word to describe me right now (and most of the time). I'm tired. Tired of not
being perfect. Tired of work. Tired of my entire situation. Tired of who I am.
Tired of existing. Just very, very, very tired...
Day 8: The Morning Report...
Weight: 112.8 lbs
Oh.
Wow.
So I guess I'm closing up my shop as
gypsy fortune teller. This is great! I only dropped a little weight, but I'm
also seeing a flat(ish) stomach! Just a little over two pounds to go till I hit
110! Just maybe I can do it in two/three days.
And I have really become
reinvigorated. I am going to really push myself and make some tougher goals for
myself. I know I can do it.
First off, I will push myself harder
and/or longer when I'm out jogging. I want to be out today for either 1.5-2
hours, and step up my intensity. Its embarrassing that some little old ladies
are going faster than I am. I will also do my weights. I mean it. Every
day, no matter what, no matter when, I will do at least some sort of workout
routine with them, along with normal exercises like crunches and squats and so
forth. And as soon as I buy my green tea today, I will buckle down on eating
the absolute minimum. (It is sort of mind boggling how some girls/women live an
entire day on one slice of an apple, or three crackers for the whole day
on a continuous basis.) I have the strength, willpower, and determination to do
this. I will do this. I will see my ultimate goal weight (or lower) by next
month. No exceptions. This will happen.
Alright...Boca Burger and a jog!
Onwards!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Day 7: Final Tally...
Total food consumption: 1 Boca Burger, 3 strawberries, 2 plumcots, 10(ish) grapes
Calorie count: 191 (pass)
Carb count: 37g (fail)
Sugar count: 25g (pass, but just barely)
Total exercise: 1 walking/jogging, 8 hours working
Calories burnt: At least 1,200
Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): 1,009
Calorie count: 191 (pass)
Carb count: 37g (fail)
Sugar count: 25g (pass, but just barely)
Total exercise: 1 walking/jogging, 8 hours working
Calories burnt: At least 1,200
Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): 1,009
I'm using the "shopping"
choice instead of "standing" for determining how many calories I burn
at work for reasons I've already explained. So on work days I will end up
having a truer (hopefully) estimate of what I'm really burning.
Even though today seems like it was
a good day...I'm not satisfied. I should have had my Boca Burger and either a
plumcot or some vegetables. But I was just that lazy and couldn't even
prepare some asparagus or mushrooms and went for the "easier"
plumcot. My mom was somewhat responsible for the strawberries, but thankfully,
I only had three. The grapes were (once again) my own fault, but I only
finished off the few that were left. I know exactly what the problem is too. My
lack of green tea. It is a life saver and completely compensated for lack of
food and kept my hunger almost completely at bay. (I'm also fairly certain it
increases metabolism, but regardless, the drink is wonderful.) I need to sneak
some home (damn you aspartame!) for without it I am tempted to eat. I can
honestly say that me guzzling down 20 gallons of green tea is the only reason I
am fine with running on 150 or so calories a day. I want it so badly. Neeeeed.
So that's tomorrow's goal: get the
cancer breeding, caffeine rich, diuretic GREEN TEA. Awesome.
I also don't work tomorrow (but have
a work "appointment" of sorts) so I should definitely be able to go
out, then do some goddamn fucking weights, get glorious green
tea, and...oh yea, not eat.
And of course I know my weight will
go up. I ate too much solid food. I have been considering going on a liquid
diet, but I don't really know how to do it within vegan parameters and keep it
under 200 calories. Vegetable broth is almost calorie-less...but I know that
will get old real quick.
Hurrrrrrgggghhhhhh...
Maybe I can just live off green tea.
-_-
Sorry for boring post today. I'm just angry at myself and frustrated with many things not food related.
I don't deserve to go onwards...
Ranting, Rambling, and Randomness...
I did go out for an hour. Yeehaw.
And I stepped up my intensity. Yeehaw. I had a Boca Burger before and a plumcot
after. Hopefully I will eat pretty much nothing the rest of the day after work.
I'm in no way surprised how my family is reacting to all of this. After years of suffering from extreme depression and after multiple suicide attempts, my family only then came to the conclusion that "something may be wrong". It was sort of amusing how even the hospital therapist was like: "you guys were sort of slow on the uptake on this one". Understatement. They aren't abusive, cruel, or unfeeling at all. It's simply the way my family works. Both of my parents' have gone through a lot of suffering and tragedy, especially in their childhood and adolescence, and neither of them had families who confronted and discussed issues either. My mother herself has suffered from depression and anorexia. To an almost deadly end. I know I get a lot of my "mental" problems from her, so I sometimes wonder why she doesn't really interfere or mention anything. I know she knows (I'm pretty sure at this point everyone in my family knows) for she has questioned me at a few points. "You sure you don't want some, you haven't really eaten today." "You sure you don't want lunch before work?" "You look really tired, are you hungry?" But this family is in no way confrontational about serious matters. At all. I'll be 90 lbs. before any real "action" will probably take place.
I sometimes wonder why I'm doing this. I know at least a small portion of it is do to genetics and a predisposition on my mom's part (I'm not blaming her though, she can't help it). I also know part of it has to do with the perfectionist in me. I have always and forever will be a perfectionist in everything I do. Especially my passions such as art. And I think a small part may be due to my Asperger tendencies. It's almost like it's an experiment for me. I am treating myself like a specimen. Unlike a lot of girls (or a fair portion at least) who have an eating disorder, I'm not doing this to fit in, or become some pretty skinny girl, or impress guys. I have no friends, I'm asexual, and I don't really care for people in general. Honestly, I think it boils down to me displaying internal suffering, and the fact that I in no way whatsoever want to grow up. Ever. I want to be a child so badly, and I know anorexia usually stems from a fear or hatred of becoming an adult.
I have never felt like I belonged in this world/time/dimension. Like I'm some lost child who got separated from a fantastical place of wonder. And like the "Little Prince" I know I can never get home until I die. I would do anything to leave this world, or to simply not exist. I don't belong here, I can't survive here.
Anyways, the rest of this will just
be me rambling on about a few things on my mind, most concerning eating
disorders.
I'm in no way surprised how my family is reacting to all of this. After years of suffering from extreme depression and after multiple suicide attempts, my family only then came to the conclusion that "something may be wrong". It was sort of amusing how even the hospital therapist was like: "you guys were sort of slow on the uptake on this one". Understatement. They aren't abusive, cruel, or unfeeling at all. It's simply the way my family works. Both of my parents' have gone through a lot of suffering and tragedy, especially in their childhood and adolescence, and neither of them had families who confronted and discussed issues either. My mother herself has suffered from depression and anorexia. To an almost deadly end. I know I get a lot of my "mental" problems from her, so I sometimes wonder why she doesn't really interfere or mention anything. I know she knows (I'm pretty sure at this point everyone in my family knows) for she has questioned me at a few points. "You sure you don't want some, you haven't really eaten today." "You sure you don't want lunch before work?" "You look really tired, are you hungry?" But this family is in no way confrontational about serious matters. At all. I'll be 90 lbs. before any real "action" will probably take place.
I sometimes wonder why I'm doing this. I know at least a small portion of it is do to genetics and a predisposition on my mom's part (I'm not blaming her though, she can't help it). I also know part of it has to do with the perfectionist in me. I have always and forever will be a perfectionist in everything I do. Especially my passions such as art. And I think a small part may be due to my Asperger tendencies. It's almost like it's an experiment for me. I am treating myself like a specimen. Unlike a lot of girls (or a fair portion at least) who have an eating disorder, I'm not doing this to fit in, or become some pretty skinny girl, or impress guys. I have no friends, I'm asexual, and I don't really care for people in general. Honestly, I think it boils down to me displaying internal suffering, and the fact that I in no way whatsoever want to grow up. Ever. I want to be a child so badly, and I know anorexia usually stems from a fear or hatred of becoming an adult.
I have never felt like I belonged in this world/time/dimension. Like I'm some lost child who got separated from a fantastical place of wonder. And like the "Little Prince" I know I can never get home until I die. I would do anything to leave this world, or to simply not exist. I don't belong here, I can't survive here.
Alright, there we go. A little
insight I suppose. I would probably have written more, but I have to go to
work. Yay. -_-
*sigh*
Day 7: The Morning Report...
Weight: 113.2
So I'm no soothsayer.
Obviously.
I think what happened is all those grapes cleaned out my system, if you catch my drift. I knew I wasn't going to gain anything extraordinary from them, but achieving my lowest weight ever is a surprise. It's sort of invigorating realizing I'm only 3 lbs. away from hitting 100 lbs. I could actually achieve my mini goal. Maybe. That would require me losing a pound or so a day for the next three days. Can I do it? I predict I will hover around 111.7 lbs. or something, and that 110 will become my new 120, but as we've all seen, I can't predict shit now can I?
But even though I work the early shift this morning, I am going out to exercise. Even if I only do it for 45 minutes or an hour I will have done something. I'm getting tired of promising you (and myself) that I will do room exercises and weights and then not doing so, but I see no reason to break with tradition. -_- Maybe today I will. But I know I won't. *sigh*
And I am really going to watch myself today. I'm pretty confident that I learned my lesson, but I am still going to watch myself like a hawk. Absolutely no unnecessary food. Just my Boca Burger, then my walk/jog, then work. Then maybe some vegetables when I come home.
Alright here we go.
Onwards...
Day 6: Final Tally, and "How to Handle Binges"...
Total food consumption: 1 Boca Burger, 6 strawberries, portion of a salad, numerous
grapes
Calorie count: Between 222 and 350 (FAIL)
Carb count: At least 45g (FAIL)
Sugar count: At least 30g (FAIL)
Total exercise: 1.5 walking/jogging, 2-3 hours shopping
Calories burnt: At least 523
Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): Between 301 and 173
Calorie count: Between 222 and 350 (FAIL)
Carb count: At least 45g (FAIL)
Sugar count: At least 30g (FAIL)
Total exercise: 1.5 walking/jogging, 2-3 hours shopping
Calories burnt: At least 523
Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): Between 301 and 173
Oh.
My.
God.
So before I fully comprehend my
behavior today and jump out my window (which would most likely only result in
me spraining my ankle -_-) let's look over the day's events, shall we?
This morning was perfect. I had my
one Boca Burger and set off to walk/jog. It was cool out, after an irritating
"mini-heatwave", and I ended up going six times around my track, and
was fairly pleased with myself as I was getting back on track with my routine.
I came home and in an effort to do something besides stay in the house and be
surrounded by food (my sister had just baked a cake "thing" with
blueberries in it) I offered to help her with learning how to drive (she has
been learning for a while now, but is not exactly skilled) and coached her
through driving around to complete various errands (hence the shopping) as well
as do the grocery shopping for my family, a trip I always enjoy (I suppose I'm
living vicariously through the event as I shop for food). There was a bit of a
false alarm as I somehow deluded myself into asking for a particular type of
veggie sushi that wasn't available. The chef eventually told me that they were
out of the tofu for it (thank goodness) and asked if I'd like something else
instead. Thankfully, I came to my senses and declined. Even though I almost
stumbled a bit, I considered the whole event a great victory. Sushi has been
the one great source of longing for me since I delved into this anorexic
lifestyle. And I turned away.
But then this is where things turned
for the worse.
As soon as we came home with our
groceries I almost immediately engulfed a plumcot. That in and of itself wasn't
really an issue, I was just mad at my lack of self-control over how quickly I
ate it. And then I had some strawberries (at the time it was only three, so I
knew it was not really going to destroy my day or anything). And then things
went really bad. Put the kids to bed for this one, folks. So I was eventually
talked into (by my sister, of course) to take her on one last errand. Finished,
she complained she was hungry and we went to Panera. I've never eaten at Panera
before, and knowing this, my sister demanded I "try" something. My
eyes scanning the listed calories, I knew I was going to be screwed with
anything besides "water", so I tried to convince her I wasn't hungry.
My family has recently become somewhat wise to my ways (they realize I'm not
really eating, yet are alright with this, I'm sure I'll post something about
this later on in the week -_-) and my sister argued that I had barley eaten all
day (not true, I had already eaten more today than I had any other day this
week). So I finally agreed to a salad. And it was huge. Luckily, I was able to get
away with only eating half of it and gave her the rest. But still. It was a
good 100 or so calories at least. Huuuuuuurrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh. O_o
And then came my mini binge. The
true horror of the day. I. Ate. So. Many. Fucking. Grapes.
I lost count. I just kept eating
them. Could it have been worse. Oh yea, a lot worse. But still, I had been
doing so well lately. I know I won't shoot up 6 lbs or anything, but I doubt
what I see tomorrow will make me happy. I'm just so angry that I ate so much
when I really didn't need to. The burger and plum was acceptable, perfect even.
Even just one or two strawberries or a small handful of grapes would have been
alright. But nooooooo, I had to eat that stupid salad with that stupid
dressing, with all those stupid fucking grapes. And I almost considered
just fucking it all by eating some chips or cereal or something. Miraculously I
actually showed some restraint. Somehow.
I'm a failure. And I hate myself for
today. I could have made progress, but instead I screwed it up!
But I also have fresh determination
to really nip this binging in the butt. I know I can do it because today could
have been sooooooooo muuuuuuuch woooooooooorse.
So here is a short tips and strategy
list for what to do before, during, and after a binge...
Before...
· Stop and really consider what you’re going to get out of
this. Will that small bag of chips, or slice of pizza, or scoop of icecream
really satisfy your hunger? No. So you will eat more. And more. And more.
· Remember that once you start, it is so hard to put the food
down. You've already awakened your stomach and it won't give up it's desire for
even more food without a fight. The hunger you're feeling now will look like a
trip to the park compared to the hunger you will have to face when trying to
stop mid binge.
· Drink water. Or any calorie/sugar free drink. Load up on the
liquid till you feel sick. The you will not want to eat anything.
· I personally don't like gum (and most brands aren't vegan),
but it may work for you. It will at least keep your mouth busy while not
consuming vast quantities of calories.
· Try to distract yourself with any activity, from exercise to
reading to looking at thinspo. Anything that requires both hands (none left to
eat) or gets you away from your food source is perfect.
· Calculate all the nutritional information of about 10
servings of whatever your about to eat. Realize you will probably surpass
consuming even that amount. Still hungry?
During...
· Don't worry, it's never too late to stop. The worst thing
you can do is say to yourself: "oh well, I already ruined my day, why stop
now?" Why? Well let's see, how does only 800 calories worth of chips or
bread, or whatever compare to 2,000? A calorie is a calorie and every single
one of them counts.
· Sprinkle some sort of condiment that disgusts you over your
food. Hopefully you won't continue to eat it anymore.
· Keep drinking. Try to fill up on as much water as possible,
rather than the food.
· DON'T eat in
front of the tv or computer, you will quickly lose track and eat much more than
you intended.
After...
· Don't panic.
· Try to count up the calorie/nutritional information as best
you can, become aware of what you have consumed.
· Treat it as a learning experience, but don't go easy on
yourself. Try to see if anything in particular "set you off" and
realize in the future to avoid similar situations.
· Throw out or cease buying any foods you tend to binge on.
These are usually foods with high fat and carb counts (breads, grains, pastas,
pizzas, etc.)
· WEIGH YOURSELF THE NEXT DAY. You need to realize the conqequences of your actions,
otherwise you will never learn. I don't care how much you ate, or how many
pounds you think you gained. Weigh yourself. When you see how many pounds
result in eating 15 cupcakes, you will think twice next time.
Alright, there we go. Nothing
groundbreaking here, but I knew I needed to put down something. I will most
likely add to this list as time goes by.
I'm still disgusted with myself. (If
I had my green tea this wouldn't have happened. But my parents refuse to let me
drink it anymore. Too bad, I'm buying some and keeping them hidden in my room.)
Ugh...why?
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Day 6: The Morning Report...
Weight: 114.4 lbs
I was expecting this, seeing how much water I didn't drink the other day then replaced yesterday...but still. You're supposed to go the other way scale!
Today is actually going to be very cool outside, so this makes for perfect jogging weather! Yeehaw. Today will be a busy day, even if I don't have work, but I promise: I WILL WRITE THAT TIPS POST TODAY IF IT KILLS ME.
Alright, it's a short post (for once). Regardless of my gain (however inaccurate my "loss" was), I'm in a fairly good mood today. One Boca Burger and a jog coming up!
Oh! And I almost forgot: we have a new follower. Welcome "Rain"! Please feel free to comment or request tips posts!
And onwards!
I was expecting this, seeing how much water I didn't drink the other day then replaced yesterday...but still. You're supposed to go the other way scale!
Today is actually going to be very cool outside, so this makes for perfect jogging weather! Yeehaw. Today will be a busy day, even if I don't have work, but I promise: I WILL WRITE THAT TIPS POST TODAY IF IT KILLS ME.
Alright, it's a short post (for once). Regardless of my gain (however inaccurate my "loss" was), I'm in a fairly good mood today. One Boca Burger and a jog coming up!
Oh! And I almost forgot: we have a new follower. Welcome "Rain"! Please feel free to comment or request tips posts!
And onwards!
Monday, June 25, 2012
Day 5: Final Tally...
Total food consumption: 1 Boca Burger, 12 asparagus, 20(ish) grapes
Calorie count: 162 (pass)
Carb count: 30g (pass, but just barely)
Sugar count: 16g (pass)
Total exercise: 9.5 hours of work
Calories burnt: At least 580
Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): 418
To be honest, I could probably double the amount of calories I burnt at work simply because I am only calculating the calories I burnt from merely standing for 9.5 hours. I am never standing in one place for more than a few moments, I'm lifting boxes and always shuffling around the store doing something. But I have no idea how many calories I've truly burnt, so I just stick with what I'm positive of. I use this fantastic site to determine how much I've burned off from pretty much any activity, it's very simple to use: http://www.healthstatus.com/calculate/cbc
Oh, and I think a mini mystery has been solved. I think I'm coming down with a cold or something. I know that normally I shouldn't exactly be excited over the prospect of feeling like death, but it explains my severe drop in energy for the past day or so. Tomorrow I don't work, so if I'm not sick, I will definitely go out and exercise. And I promise to make that stupid tips list for binging! I will also try to add some pictures. Or something.
I'm actually pretty curious to see what my weigh-in tomorrow will reveal. I doubt I will be the same, much less a lower weight...but who knows? I'm contemplating giving myself some sort of reward (a piercing or two maybe?) if I can manage to reach 110 lbs. by the end of June.
Anyways, even thought I'm exhausted (what else is new?) and I'm freezing and feel all around lousy...I saw some fireflies on my way home. And that made me a little happy.
And I got my first follower today! Welcome "hiding*ED"!
Onwards we go...
Calorie count: 162 (pass)
Carb count: 30g (pass, but just barely)
Sugar count: 16g (pass)
Total exercise: 9.5 hours of work
Calories burnt: At least 580
Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): 418
To be honest, I could probably double the amount of calories I burnt at work simply because I am only calculating the calories I burnt from merely standing for 9.5 hours. I am never standing in one place for more than a few moments, I'm lifting boxes and always shuffling around the store doing something. But I have no idea how many calories I've truly burnt, so I just stick with what I'm positive of. I use this fantastic site to determine how much I've burned off from pretty much any activity, it's very simple to use: http://www.healthstatus.com/calculate/cbc
Oh, and I think a mini mystery has been solved. I think I'm coming down with a cold or something. I know that normally I shouldn't exactly be excited over the prospect of feeling like death, but it explains my severe drop in energy for the past day or so. Tomorrow I don't work, so if I'm not sick, I will definitely go out and exercise. And I promise to make that stupid tips list for binging! I will also try to add some pictures. Or something.
I'm actually pretty curious to see what my weigh-in tomorrow will reveal. I doubt I will be the same, much less a lower weight...but who knows? I'm contemplating giving myself some sort of reward (a piercing or two maybe?) if I can manage to reach 110 lbs. by the end of June.
Anyways, even thought I'm exhausted (what else is new?) and I'm freezing and feel all around lousy...I saw some fireflies on my way home. And that made me a little happy.
And I got my first follower today! Welcome "hiding*ED"!
Onwards we go...
Day 5: The Morning Report...
Weight: 113.4 lbs
Normally, I would be ecstatic about this. But I have a sinking suspicion that most of that loss in weight (not all, but most) can be attributed to my lack of fluids (namely water) from yesterday. I really didn't drink much of anything. A bottle of water and a bottle of my green tea I had found in the fridge. So if/when I gain a pound tomorrow, I won't beat myself up too much over it. I don't think this was a "true" drop in weight.
But still...113.4 lbs. Wow.
It's just sort of frustrating that I must be fattest 113 lb person of my height out there. Nothing really seems to be changing even as I lose weight. Any significant changes (loss of love handles, arm flab, collar bones emerging, etc.) happened about 10-20 lbs ago.
*sigh*
But anyways...today I'm not going to go out to jog. I am going to just eat my Boca Burger and some vegetables before I go to work. I'll do some more cleaning and hopefully I will do some weights. Making myself completely and utterly sick and useless isn't helping me, I simply lose the ability to work out (or do much of anything). Tomorrow, after my strength returns, I will resume my workout routine.
So...onwards.
Normally, I would be ecstatic about this. But I have a sinking suspicion that most of that loss in weight (not all, but most) can be attributed to my lack of fluids (namely water) from yesterday. I really didn't drink much of anything. A bottle of water and a bottle of my green tea I had found in the fridge. So if/when I gain a pound tomorrow, I won't beat myself up too much over it. I don't think this was a "true" drop in weight.
But still...113.4 lbs. Wow.
It's just sort of frustrating that I must be fattest 113 lb person of my height out there. Nothing really seems to be changing even as I lose weight. Any significant changes (loss of love handles, arm flab, collar bones emerging, etc.) happened about 10-20 lbs ago.
*sigh*
But anyways...today I'm not going to go out to jog. I am going to just eat my Boca Burger and some vegetables before I go to work. I'll do some more cleaning and hopefully I will do some weights. Making myself completely and utterly sick and useless isn't helping me, I simply lose the ability to work out (or do much of anything). Tomorrow, after my strength returns, I will resume my workout routine.
So...onwards.
Day 4: Final Tally...
Total food consumption: 1 nectarine, 1(ish) cup of blueberries
Calorie count: 151 (pass)
Carb count: 37g (FAIL)
Sugar count: 27g (fail)
Total exercise: 1 hr house cleaning and basic chores
Calories burnt: 151(ish)
Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): 0
I am so exhausted.
And I've done nothing all day.
Nothing.
I've lied in bed like a moron, complaining "I'm too tired to workout", "I don't have the strength".
Fuck that.
And now you may observe the disaster that was my eating today. All we had left in the fruit department of out fridge was an old nectarine and a half carton of blueberries. I had no idea blueberries had such high calorie/carb/sugar counts. I know it was entirely my fault for not checking, and the nectarine was bad enough, but of course I was "too weak and tired" to really care. And the saddest part is, I still have some asparagus and mushrooms left. Which would have had about...15 calories tops. Fuck. Fuck me.
So no blueberries.
Tomorrow I will eat a Boca Burger and have my vegetables. That will give me the energy to workout. And get through nine hours of work.
I have a feeling tomorrow I will actually keep my promise and post a tips page on controlling hunger and/or binging...and there will probably be an angry post in there as well that has been a long time coming.
As I type this I feel like I may throw up.
Awesome. -_-
Calorie count: 151 (pass)
Carb count: 37g (FAIL)
Sugar count: 27g (fail)
Total exercise: 1 hr house cleaning and basic chores
Calories burnt: 151(ish)
Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): 0
I am so exhausted.
And I've done nothing all day.
Nothing.
I've lied in bed like a moron, complaining "I'm too tired to workout", "I don't have the strength".
Fuck that.
And now you may observe the disaster that was my eating today. All we had left in the fruit department of out fridge was an old nectarine and a half carton of blueberries. I had no idea blueberries had such high calorie/carb/sugar counts. I know it was entirely my fault for not checking, and the nectarine was bad enough, but of course I was "too weak and tired" to really care. And the saddest part is, I still have some asparagus and mushrooms left. Which would have had about...15 calories tops. Fuck. Fuck me.
So no blueberries.
Tomorrow I will eat a Boca Burger and have my vegetables. That will give me the energy to workout. And get through nine hours of work.
I have a feeling tomorrow I will actually keep my promise and post a tips page on controlling hunger and/or binging...and there will probably be an angry post in there as well that has been a long time coming.
As I type this I feel like I may throw up.
Awesome. -_-
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Day 4: The Morning Report...
Weight: 115.4 lbs
Oh I'm sorry, did I just meet my first goal weight?
FUCK YES I DID.
Yahoo! I never thought I'd see the day. But there you have it: 115.4 lbs. Even though I'm feeling very tired (but not hungry), and yesterday was a bit of another emotional train wreck, this has me doing little jigs. My thighs may still be the size of SUVs and my stomach still is squishy and floppy and my ass is droopy and flat, but I'm just going to enjoy the feeling of reaching my first goal weight for a little while longer. Reaching 110, then 105, then 100, and of course, 95 lbs seems so much more attainable now.
I'm going to spruce this blog up a bit. Add some pictures (if I can figure it out), add a few tabs at the top, and hopefully I will end up posting another tips post (about how to control hunger most likely).
I'm a little disappointed in myself for not going out and exercising today, but maybe I will eat a little bit of watermelon and finally do some weights or something later.
Onwards!
Oh I'm sorry, did I just meet my first goal weight?
FUCK YES I DID.
Yahoo! I never thought I'd see the day. But there you have it: 115.4 lbs. Even though I'm feeling very tired (but not hungry), and yesterday was a bit of another emotional train wreck, this has me doing little jigs. My thighs may still be the size of SUVs and my stomach still is squishy and floppy and my ass is droopy and flat, but I'm just going to enjoy the feeling of reaching my first goal weight for a little while longer. Reaching 110, then 105, then 100, and of course, 95 lbs seems so much more attainable now.
I'm going to spruce this blog up a bit. Add some pictures (if I can figure it out), add a few tabs at the top, and hopefully I will end up posting another tips post (about how to control hunger most likely).
I'm a little disappointed in myself for not going out and exercising today, but maybe I will eat a little bit of watermelon and finally do some weights or something later.
Onwards!
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Day 3: Final Tally...
Total food consumption: 1 Boca Burger, 3(ish) mushrooms, 9 pieces of asparagus
Calorie count: 103 (pass)
Carb count: 13.5g (pass)
Sugar count: 0g (pass)
Total exercise: 1 hr of walking, bit of gardening and plant shopping
Calories burnt: 200(ish)
Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): 97
Ugh.
Today was a failure. Even though I technically passed. I will spare you the details, but I have felt like shit most of today, mentally, physically, and especially emotionally. I haven't really done any room exercises or weights and my walks are getting pathetic.
I'm not pushing myself enough. I can do better, but I'm making excuses and hiding behind problems that need to be ignored. I should be able to fast (truly and actually fast, no calories, no anything) and still exercise, but I'm being lazy and otherwise pathetic.
And I drank my last Lipton Diet Green Tea Citrus. *sigh* I need to go out and get more. I drink so many of them a day, my parents believe me to be addicted and don't approve of me purchasing it anymore. They don't actually stop me, but...I don't really know where I was going with this statement.
Tomorrow I don't work again, which is both good and bad. When I work I don't have the desire to eat, since all I'm surrounded by is disgusting mall food *shudder*, and I also burn a lot of calories running all over the place and never sitting or standing in one place. But I loathe my job and the people I work with so getting a chance to have nothing to do with them and the place is fantastic as well. I think tomorrow I will just lie in bed and eat nothing. No. I can't do that. I need to do something, even if it isn't "exercise". Maybe I will draw. Maybe not. I truly just want to curl up and not exist anymore.
I'm sorry this post has taken a measurably depressing turn. I am a very bottled up person, emotionally speaking. And then I remember that no one is actually reading this...
Calorie count: 103 (pass)
Carb count: 13.5g (pass)
Sugar count: 0g (pass)
Total exercise: 1 hr of walking, bit of gardening and plant shopping
Calories burnt: 200(ish)
Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): 97
Ugh.
Today was a failure. Even though I technically passed. I will spare you the details, but I have felt like shit most of today, mentally, physically, and especially emotionally. I haven't really done any room exercises or weights and my walks are getting pathetic.
I'm not pushing myself enough. I can do better, but I'm making excuses and hiding behind problems that need to be ignored. I should be able to fast (truly and actually fast, no calories, no anything) and still exercise, but I'm being lazy and otherwise pathetic.
And I drank my last Lipton Diet Green Tea Citrus. *sigh* I need to go out and get more. I drink so many of them a day, my parents believe me to be addicted and don't approve of me purchasing it anymore. They don't actually stop me, but...I don't really know where I was going with this statement.
Tomorrow I don't work again, which is both good and bad. When I work I don't have the desire to eat, since all I'm surrounded by is disgusting mall food *shudder*, and I also burn a lot of calories running all over the place and never sitting or standing in one place. But I loathe my job and the people I work with so getting a chance to have nothing to do with them and the place is fantastic as well. I think tomorrow I will just lie in bed and eat nothing. No. I can't do that. I need to do something, even if it isn't "exercise". Maybe I will draw. Maybe not. I truly just want to curl up and not exist anymore.
I'm sorry this post has taken a measurably depressing turn. I am a very bottled up person, emotionally speaking. And then I remember that no one is actually reading this...
Grilling Shenanigans and General Tips...
I ended up doing a somewhat decent walk/jog today. Not great, but at least it was an hour. I had a few difficulties with lunch. I was planning to just eat nothing, as I honestly wasn't feeling hungry. And as I had only eaten one Boca Burger before my walk, I really wanted to run off that for the whole day. But we had just recently bought an indoor grill and my mom decided to try grilling up a whole slew of vegetables on it for lunch. I ended throwing away most of what she gave me while she was busy over the grill, but I still had to eat roughly 2-3 mushrooms and 9 pieces of asparagus. I was able to convince her to use no calorie (or no anything for that matter) cooking spray...but still. I really didn't need or want to eat. After we return home from our family outing, I'll do a whole bunch of crunches and squats and some weights. I'm just angry over the fact that this will make me shoot up to 119 lbs. or something ridiculous.
But anyways...
I thought I would share a random assortment of tips and advice for various aspects oftorturing yourself bodily harm ahem, "becoming perfect". These tips and techniques have worked for me, but every body is different and every mindset is different. I have also researched extensively on various aspects of anorexia and will try to "debunk" or clarify a few points.
So onwards...
Well I'm off. Hoped this was useful or educational.
Tah.
But anyways...
I thought I would share a random assortment of tips and advice for various aspects of
So onwards...
- One of the most important things to realize right out of the gate is that this is a mind game. If you aren't committed and willing to sacrifice, call it quits now. You will only end up hurting yourself and even worse, end up with no results. This is all about dedication, endurance, and most importantly willpower. Without these attributes, you will fail. I'm sure you feel that anorexia isn't a "choice", but I feel that in many respects: it is. You alone hold power over your body and actions, both the beneficial choices and the questionable ones. If you are going to do this, then do it, don't victimize and label yourself and live in a state of misery all the while garnering no results. In layman's terms: Put up or shut up.
- Sacrificing and changing your habits. This is going to be one of the most difficult things you will have to do, but once you've gotten into new habits, they will stick with you. The easiest way to hide and explain your lack of eating or unusual eating is to become anything from a pescatarian (a vegetarian who also eats fish/seafood) to raw foodist (a vegan who only eats raw food). Many anorexics hide their behavior and food choices with claims of being a vegetarian or vegan. While anorexia is not socially acceptable, being a vegetarian is, in fact in many cases it can be seen as "noble" and those you live or eat with will most likely not interfere. It is much easier to turn down cake and fatty meat dishes by being a vegan, than simply stating "I'm not hungry" all the time, and no one will suspect. The vegetarian/vegan diet is also much better for weight loss, as you are eating no fatty meats, no milk or dairy products (which can contain HUGE amounts of fat and calories), and best of all, 400 calories of vegetables will fill your stomach. 400 calories of meat? Not even a third. The choice is simple.
- Even if you don't decide to start a diet that restricts food groups, like vegetarianism, you will have to make sacrifices. No more junk food, no more pizza with thick layers of cheese, no more bowls of ice cream. Will it be torture at first? Of course. But no one is forcing you to do this. The more sacrifices you make, the easier this will be. Luckily I was always a very picky eater and so most foods that others enjoyed (like burgers, fries, soda, cheese, etc.) I have never liked, and so my sacrifices weren't quite as difficult as yours may be.
- As far as deciding on how many calories you will restrict yourself to: be careful. The lowest amount of calories the body needs to stay out of starvation mode can range from 900-1200 depending on your height, weight, and so forth. Once you dip below that range, your metabolism will slow down dramatically as your body tries to conserve fat. It thinks there is a food shortage and is attempting to burn as little fat as possible in order to make it stretch for a long period of time. (Think early humans searching for food in a drought or harsh environment, they need the fat for as long as possible to continue their search.) A lot of anorexics make limits that cut off right around or just under that point, which is the worst thing you can do. You will always feel hungry but the body will still hold onto your fat. Your caloric intake needs to be significantly lower, honestly, no higher than 300-400 depending on your starting size and weight. The lower the better. Even though your metabolism will still be slowed, the body will have no other choice but to rely on fat reserves, and thus, you lose weight.
- A myth that many anorexics struggle with is that the body will also or only eat muscle and organ tissue when your calorie consumption is so low. For the most part this is entirely untrue. From a common sense standpoint this doesn't even add up. Fat is your body's fuel source, why would it forgo it to eat your muscle, something you need to find food? And after extensive scientific research it was found that (for women) the body did not start consuming muscle matter and tissue until they had only 2-5% of their body fat left. For men it was even lower. Will the body eat at your muscles and organs? Yes, but only after it has used almost all of your fat reserves.
- Binging is probably the biggest issue you will face. The first thing to do is accept that it will happen. It will, I promise you it will. It may be only a 700 calories binge, or it may be a 3,000 calorie binge. The important thing is to realize what is happening and create solutions to solve the problem for the next time it happens. I could write an entire post on this subject alone (which I most likely will) but finding a way to manage your hunger and prevent binges is going to rely a lot on your own solutions. Everyone has different techniques that work best for them. What you can't do is simply give up once you realize what is happening and let a binge cycle form. It will only frustrate you and you will see no results.
- Restriction (in addition to exercise) works, purging in no way, shape, or form ever will. At best you will maintain your weight or become "skinny fat". This is why almost all bulimics are average weight, because your body starts to absorb food and its nutrients before it even hits your stomach. Using laxatives or any other snake oil remedy will not remove fat, it'll simply remove waste or partially digested food. You may see the scale go down a touch, or you may feel "better" that you got rid of food, but you're not truly losing the weight. It's tragically simple. So long as you eat less than your body burns, you will lose weight. You don't need any high cost pills or tricks to help. You alone are all that is needed.
- You will be living in an almost constant state of hunger. Accept it.
- There is no sugar coating the fact that you will need to make changes and sacrifices.
- This is work. It is not fun, it is not a "fling". It is a lifestyle and it is going to be hard.
- You will trip and fall and there is nothing you can do about it. What you can do is get up and do better next time.
- It is possible. If you're willing to put in the effort you will see the results.
Well I'm off. Hoped this was useful or educational.
Tah.
Day 3: The Morning Report...
Weight: 117.0 lbs
Yee-fucking-HAAAAAAAW!
Finally! A sign that my efforts aren't in vain. And a whole pound at that! I must have looked liked a doped up cheerleader while standing on the scale this morning, I was so excited (and relieved). Now I'm just two pounds away from my first goal weight of 115 lbs. And as this is officially the lowest my weight has ever been since starting this...endeavor, I'mfairly uncontrollably happy at the moment.^.^
So...fasting. I think today, I'll just have a Boca Burger and one small serving of asparagus or mushrooms. Or just the Boca Burger if I can. All in all it should come to 100 calories or under. If I do well today I can fast tomorrow. I just have to go out with my family for something of a celebration *sort of* and don't want to look like I'm on death's door. Yes, this sounds like a plan. And of course I'll go out to jog.
Holy bajeezus am I happy...115 lbs here I come!
Onwards!
Yee-fucking-HAAAAAAAW!
Finally! A sign that my efforts aren't in vain. And a whole pound at that! I must have looked liked a doped up cheerleader while standing on the scale this morning, I was so excited (and relieved). Now I'm just two pounds away from my first goal weight of 115 lbs. And as this is officially the lowest my weight has ever been since starting this...endeavor, I'm
So...fasting. I think today, I'll just have a Boca Burger and one small serving of asparagus or mushrooms. Or just the Boca Burger if I can. All in all it should come to 100 calories or under. If I do well today I can fast tomorrow. I just have to go out with my family for something of a celebration *sort of* and don't want to look like I'm on death's door. Yes, this sounds like a plan. And of course I'll go out to jog.
Holy bajeezus am I happy...115 lbs here I come!
Onwards!
Friday, June 22, 2012
Day 2: Final Tally...
Total food consumption: 1 Boca Burger, 2 cups of watermelon balls
Calorie count: 162 (pass)
Carb count: 30g (pass...but just barely)
Sugar count: 20g (pass)
Total exercise: .5 hr of walking, 9 hrs work
Calories burnt: At least 647
Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): 485
So today was eventful. -_-
Let's start off with my fucking pathetic workout today, shall we? I ended up having to walk with my mom. She loves to exercise/workout and could probably take on most anyone who felt like challenging her. So I had to wait for her. And wait. And wait. She always takes a long time to get ready whenever she has to leave the house. So finally it's just after 9:00 and we finally make it to the park. And it is so fucking hot. And humid. So we decide to forgo the track and take the trails. They're kind of short and pathetic but I just wanted to get going already so we set off. A half an hour later we finish all the trails and my mom says she needs to go home because she isn't feeling well, due to the heat. So then we go home. After only a half an hour. Hurrrrrggggghhhh.
And then after I get upstairs to make up for my less than stellar jog with some weights and exercises...I break down. I just start sobbing uncontrollably. No warning. No "PMS". I just curl up in a ball on my bed and cry for over two hours. By the time I'm finished acting like a moron its too late to workout and I have to rush to work. Which was a blast per usual. -_-
So today was not fun.
BUT it is getting easier and easier to not eat very much, as well as still workout and function at work. I will decide when I get up tomorrow whether or not to fast over the weekend. I may just let myself eat one small "meal" of vegetables, so I have the strength to workout. I'll also post some actual useful information tomorrow, either on explaining your eating habits or on how to fast without feeling like death, or something...
And for those who are wondering (who am I talking to? No one reads this x_x) gum takes on average 5-7 days to "exit" the system. Yeehaw.
If I see"118.0" on the scale tomorrow...
Calorie count: 162 (pass)
Carb count: 30g (pass...but just barely)
Sugar count: 20g (pass)
Total exercise: .5 hr of walking, 9 hrs work
Calories burnt: At least 647
Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): 485
So today was eventful. -_-
Let's start off with my fucking pathetic workout today, shall we? I ended up having to walk with my mom. She loves to exercise/workout and could probably take on most anyone who felt like challenging her. So I had to wait for her. And wait. And wait. She always takes a long time to get ready whenever she has to leave the house. So finally it's just after 9:00 and we finally make it to the park. And it is so fucking hot. And humid. So we decide to forgo the track and take the trails. They're kind of short and pathetic but I just wanted to get going already so we set off. A half an hour later we finish all the trails and my mom says she needs to go home because she isn't feeling well, due to the heat. So then we go home. After only a half an hour. Hurrrrrggggghhhh.
And then after I get upstairs to make up for my less than stellar jog with some weights and exercises...I break down. I just start sobbing uncontrollably. No warning. No "PMS". I just curl up in a ball on my bed and cry for over two hours. By the time I'm finished acting like a moron its too late to workout and I have to rush to work. Which was a blast per usual. -_-
So today was not fun.
BUT it is getting easier and easier to not eat very much, as well as still workout and function at work. I will decide when I get up tomorrow whether or not to fast over the weekend. I may just let myself eat one small "meal" of vegetables, so I have the strength to workout. I'll also post some actual useful information tomorrow, either on explaining your eating habits or on how to fast without feeling like death, or something...
And for those who are wondering (who am I talking to? No one reads this x_x) gum takes on average 5-7 days to "exit" the system. Yeehaw.
If I see"118.0" on the scale tomorrow...
Day 2: The Morning Report...
Weight: 188.0 lbs
So this morning hasn't exactly been great...
Most obviously distressing is my weight. The same fucking number. This is what I don't understand. A pound of body fat/weight is 3,500 calories. I burned over a thousand yesterday, just from exercise and work. I didn't include my (admittedly very slowed down) metabolism that burns calories throughout the day to keep me alive and running. Even if I only burned an additional 500 or so calories, I still should have lost around half a pound! This sort of bullshit happens all the fucking time. What is the point of eating next to nothing, working my ass off (though not literally apparently), and feeling like utter crap the following day if all I get from it is the SAME FUCKING WEIGHT?
At this point I wouldn't even care if it only went down by 1/18th of a pound. I just need to see some sort of sign that all my efforts are not in vain. Is that really too much to ask?
Maybe my scale just isn't very exact, or doesn't register minute changes in weight. Even if I take all my clothes off, it stays the same, which obviously can't be correct. Huuuuuurrrrgggggghhhh...
It could be me as well. Maybe I'm just eating too much. I know a 250 calories limit is not the most extreme limit one can use, but it's still fairly "intense". And yesterday I ate only half that amount: 130 calories. *sigh*
After today, I don't work for the next two days, maybe I will try fasting for both of them and see what happens. I get dizzy and nauseous easily from fasting, so I try not to employ the technique very often. It leaves me simply laying bed (not burning calories) feeling miserable and raising eyebrows in my family. But so long as I have my tea and weights in my room, maybe I can still get through some minor workouts.
Speaking of workouts, I was all set to go out this morning before the heat took over like yesterday (walking in that was atrocious x_x) but I had forgotten to turn my laundry over, and have been waiting for my clothes to finish drying as I type this. Now the heat is back and I know it's just going to be another awful start to what I know will only be yet another awful day...
But onwards into oblivion...
So this morning hasn't exactly been great...
Most obviously distressing is my weight. The same fucking number. This is what I don't understand. A pound of body fat/weight is 3,500 calories. I burned over a thousand yesterday, just from exercise and work. I didn't include my (admittedly very slowed down) metabolism that burns calories throughout the day to keep me alive and running. Even if I only burned an additional 500 or so calories, I still should have lost around half a pound! This sort of bullshit happens all the fucking time. What is the point of eating next to nothing, working my ass off (though not literally apparently), and feeling like utter crap the following day if all I get from it is the SAME FUCKING WEIGHT?
At this point I wouldn't even care if it only went down by 1/18th of a pound. I just need to see some sort of sign that all my efforts are not in vain. Is that really too much to ask?
Maybe my scale just isn't very exact, or doesn't register minute changes in weight. Even if I take all my clothes off, it stays the same, which obviously can't be correct. Huuuuuurrrrgggggghhhh...
It could be me as well. Maybe I'm just eating too much. I know a 250 calories limit is not the most extreme limit one can use, but it's still fairly "intense". And yesterday I ate only half that amount: 130 calories. *sigh*
After today, I don't work for the next two days, maybe I will try fasting for both of them and see what happens. I get dizzy and nauseous easily from fasting, so I try not to employ the technique very often. It leaves me simply laying bed (not burning calories) feeling miserable and raising eyebrows in my family. But so long as I have my tea and weights in my room, maybe I can still get through some minor workouts.
Speaking of workouts, I was all set to go out this morning before the heat took over like yesterday (walking in that was atrocious x_x) but I had forgotten to turn my laundry over, and have been waiting for my clothes to finish drying as I type this. Now the heat is back and I know it's just going to be another awful start to what I know will only be yet another awful day...
But onwards into oblivion...
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Day 1: Final Tally...
Total food consumption: 1 Boca Burger, 2 plumcots
Calorie count: 130 (pass)
Carb count: 22g (pass)
Sugar count: 14 g (pass)
Total exercise: 1.5 hrs of power walking, 7 hrs work
Calories burnt: At least 1,146
Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): 1,016
For the most part, so far so good (didn't really do anything substantial with my room exercises or weights, but work in and of itself is a workout x_x). Alas, this is only "Day 1". Tomorrow I will probably wake up feeling faint and nauseous, with barely enough energy to get downstairs, much less go for my morning walk/jog. We shall see. Hopefully I can get through my walk, then do some new room exercises I found (based off the training ballet dancers use) and do some general crunches, squats, and weights. I really want to try and step up my endurance and intensity for my walks. Hopefully, after a few more days I can switch between jogging and walking and then do mostly jogging. Then again, knowing how miserable I'm going to feel tomorrow I think just being able to crawl around the track would be a more attainable goal. -_- Awesome...
I can't really express in words how badly I need to see my weight go below 118 lbs. My lowest weight since all of this started was 117 lbs. If I can just see that again by tomorrow or the next day, I know I can make it to 115, then 110. But of course I also know that tomorrow I will see something ridiculous like 121.4 lbs. Fuck.
On a separateand thrilling note, I tried chewing some gum today in order to ignore my all consuming black hole abyss of hunger and I ended up swallowing one of the pieces. O_o
I've never liked gum, and now I've been wondering for the past couple of hours as to how long it will take for it to get out of my system. The myth is that it takes years, but I'll save that research for tomorrow.
And on an even more demoralizing note, I'm also sort of wondering if it will affect my weight tomorrow *or for the next few years, apparently*.
Ugh...onwards I guess...
Calorie count: 130 (pass)
Carb count: 22g (pass)
Sugar count: 14 g (pass)
Total exercise: 1.5 hrs of power walking, 7 hrs work
Calories burnt: At least 1,146
Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): 1,016
For the most part, so far so good (didn't really do anything substantial with my room exercises or weights, but work in and of itself is a workout x_x). Alas, this is only "Day 1". Tomorrow I will probably wake up feeling faint and nauseous, with barely enough energy to get downstairs, much less go for my morning walk/jog. We shall see. Hopefully I can get through my walk, then do some new room exercises I found (based off the training ballet dancers use) and do some general crunches, squats, and weights. I really want to try and step up my endurance and intensity for my walks. Hopefully, after a few more days I can switch between jogging and walking and then do mostly jogging. Then again, knowing how miserable I'm going to feel tomorrow I think just being able to crawl around the track would be a more attainable goal. -_- Awesome...
I can't really express in words how badly I need to see my weight go below 118 lbs. My lowest weight since all of this started was 117 lbs. If I can just see that again by tomorrow or the next day, I know I can make it to 115, then 110. But of course I also know that tomorrow I will see something ridiculous like 121.4 lbs. Fuck.
On a separate
I've never liked gum, and now I've been wondering for the past couple of hours as to how long it will take for it to get out of my system. The myth is that it takes years, but I'll save that research for tomorrow.
And on an even more demoralizing note, I'm also sort of wondering if it will affect my weight tomorrow *or for the next few years, apparently*.
Ugh...onwards I guess...
Day 1: The Morning Report...
Weight: 118.0 lbs (exactly O_o)
I don't know if I should go out and walk/run/jog now or wait till later. I work the early shift today and I don't want to be late because I was out for too long. But we're sort of having a heat wave in our area now and also don't want to go out in 100F weather (plus the humidity). Huuuuurgggghhh...
I'll go now. I can make it *hopefully*. Heat is good for weight loss anyways. Oh joy. -_- Maybe the heat will keep people off the track anyways. If people didn't go to the track it would be so much more enjoyable. I hate it when I pass someone coming in the other direction and they look at me, or if I constantly feel someone behind me. *Shares well with others* -_-
One Boca Burger and heatwave jog coming up...
I don't know if I should go out and walk/run/jog now or wait till later. I work the early shift today and I don't want to be late because I was out for too long. But we're sort of having a heat wave in our area now and also don't want to go out in 100F weather (plus the humidity). Huuuuurgggghhh...
I'll go now. I can make it *hopefully*. Heat is good for weight loss anyways. Oh joy. -_- Maybe the heat will keep people off the track anyways. If people didn't go to the track it would be so much more enjoyable. I hate it when I pass someone coming in the other direction and they look at me, or if I constantly feel someone behind me. *Shares well with others* -_-
One Boca Burger and heatwave jog coming up...
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
If only it was about the numbers...
The following will be a list of all the foods I eat or should be eating and their nutritional information, most importantly: calories, carbs, and sugar. While this is mostly for my own benefit, maybe this will help those of you out there who find it as annoying as I have trying to get a concise and accurate measurement of a food's nutritional information. I'm so tired of seeing 8 million different calorie counts for one freakin' apple. Oh, and as I've mentioned before, I'm a vegan so don't expect to find any meat, dairy, or animal products in general on my list. They aren't beneficial for weight loss anyway (or hiding your eating habits). And for natural foods like raw fruit and vegetables where it can be hard to determine a "serving size", I'll either use the nutritional information for a "large" or "medium" serving. It's always better to overestimate your caloric intake than to underestimate. Of course you could always just weigh the food, but I don't have a food scale, and its sort of hard to explain to your folks why your shaving off 2 grams from a carrot. -_-
Fruits...
1 medium apple: 95 cal, 0 fat, 25 carb, 19 sug
1 medium banana: 105 cal, 0 fat, 27 carb, 14 sug
1 cup cantaloupe balls: 60 cal, 0 fat, 16 carb, 14 sug
10 grapes: 34 cal, 0 fat, 9 carb, 8 sug
1 medium kiwi: 46 cal, 0 fat, 11 carb, 7 sug
1 large nectarine: 69 cal, 0 fat, 16 carb, 12 sug
1 cup pineapple chunks: 74 cal, 0 fat, 20 carbs, 14 sug
1 medium plum: 30 cal, 0 fat, 8 carb, 7 sug
1 extra large strawberry: 9 cal, 0 fat, 2 carb, 1 sug
1 cup watermelon balls: 46 cal, 0 fat, 12 carb, 10 sug
I've underlined what has worked best for me in terms of balancing low stats with feeling full. Fruits like apples, bananas, pears, and nectarines should not really be touched, though they do a decent job of keeping you full. Strawberries are wonderful though. Just a few, say 4-6, will fill you up for a while and the cal and carb count is fan-fucking-tastic. And watermelon has always been praised for weight loss due to its high water content. That's really what makes fruit great to begin with, they've all got a high water content that makes you feel full without tasting like...well water. x_x
Vegetables...
1 small asparagus spear: 2 cal, 0 fat, 0.5 carb, 0 sug
1 medium corn on the cob (no butter): 111 cal, 1 fat, 26 carb, 3 sug
1 cup eggplant cubes: 20 cal, 0 fat, 5 carb, 2 sug
1 mushroom (baby bella for example): 5 cal, 0 fat, 1 carb, 0 sug
1 cup chopped sweet green pepper: 30 cal, 0 fat, 7 carb, 4 sug
1 cup chopped sweet red pepper: 46 cal, 0 fat, 9 carb, 6 sug
1 medium summer squash/zucchini: 31 cal, 0 fat, 7 carb, 3 sug
I've underlined what has worked best for me in terms of balancing low stats with feeling full. Honestly, vegetables are going to have to become your new best friend. You can pretty much eat as much of them as you want and end up only consuming like 0.3 calories. Plain raw vegetables can get old real quick though, so I usually end up grilling mine and adding a dash of salt. Don't use oil of course, just use some cooking spray and put them on a griddle or indoor grill or frying pan or whatever. Add a touch of salt and pepper and they taste marvelous. I really don't even like vegetables, but asparagus is wonderful. Stay away from corn (which isn't even really a vegetable) on the cob (though it's not too disastrous if that's all you eat for the day), and definitely stay away from potatoes of any type. They have a lot of calories and carbs. Most people say these are the only vegetables they'll eat because they're so starchy. I find humor in the fact that I'm a vegan who really only like asparagus and mushrooms as far as vegetables go (or fungi). -_-
Other...
1 rice cake: 35 cal, 0 fat, 7 carb, 0 sug
1/2 cup cooked rice: 100 cal, 0 fat, 23 carb, 0 sug
3/4 cup cereal (Puffins Original): 90 cal, 1 fat, 23 carb, 5 sug
1/4 cup almond milk unsweetened: 10 cal, 0.5 fat, 0.5 carb, 0 sug
1/2 cup cooked brown rice: 75 cal, .5 fat, 16.5 carb, 0 sug
1 boca burger: 70 cal, 0.5 fat, 6 carb, 0 sug
I've underlined what has worked best for me in terms of balancing low stats with feeling full. Anything that is made with grains should be eaten rarely or saved for right before a hardcore workout so you have the energy to not faint afterwards. -_- Boca Burgers are fantastic though, they're vegan, taste great, and have wonderful stats, and keep me pretty full for just one little burger (I've never had a beef burger, only turkey burgers as a kid, and I never liked them with buns or condiments).
Phew. There we go. So as far as "meals" go, I guess in the morning either before work or before my workout I'll make myself a boca burger or have some form of fruit. If I feel faint after working out, I can have another piece of fruit. After work I can workout and have vegetables afterwards. If I work the later half of the day I can have another boca burger before I leave. I just have to make sure I eat enough so I at least have the energy to workout the next day, and not almost pass out. So long as I stick to my 2 boca burgers and either some fruit or some vegetable meal plans, I should definitely be within my parameters. I just wish it was only about the numbers. I'm tired of working out so fucking hard and eating a hand full of grapes one or twice a day and seeing the scale go "nah-nah-nah-nah-boo-boo, observe as we display the same fucking weight you've been for the past 5 days". -_-
Miracle of the day: I have one view. Someone saw this journal in Germany. I have no idea how, since there are no links directing anyone here. I should be floating around in obscurity since I don't know how anyone is supposed to find this thing. Yeehaw I suppose.
Fruits...
1 medium apple: 95 cal, 0 fat, 25 carb, 19 sug
1 medium banana: 105 cal, 0 fat, 27 carb, 14 sug
1 cup cantaloupe balls: 60 cal, 0 fat, 16 carb, 14 sug
10 grapes: 34 cal, 0 fat, 9 carb, 8 sug
1 medium kiwi: 46 cal, 0 fat, 11 carb, 7 sug
1 large nectarine: 69 cal, 0 fat, 16 carb, 12 sug
1 cup pineapple chunks: 74 cal, 0 fat, 20 carbs, 14 sug
1 medium plum: 30 cal, 0 fat, 8 carb, 7 sug
1 extra large strawberry: 9 cal, 0 fat, 2 carb, 1 sug
1 cup watermelon balls: 46 cal, 0 fat, 12 carb, 10 sug
I've underlined what has worked best for me in terms of balancing low stats with feeling full. Fruits like apples, bananas, pears, and nectarines should not really be touched, though they do a decent job of keeping you full. Strawberries are wonderful though. Just a few, say 4-6, will fill you up for a while and the cal and carb count is fan-fucking-tastic. And watermelon has always been praised for weight loss due to its high water content. That's really what makes fruit great to begin with, they've all got a high water content that makes you feel full without tasting like...well water. x_x
Vegetables...
1 small asparagus spear: 2 cal, 0 fat, 0.5 carb, 0 sug
1 medium corn on the cob (no butter): 111 cal, 1 fat, 26 carb, 3 sug
1 cup eggplant cubes: 20 cal, 0 fat, 5 carb, 2 sug
1 mushroom (baby bella for example): 5 cal, 0 fat, 1 carb, 0 sug
1 cup chopped sweet green pepper: 30 cal, 0 fat, 7 carb, 4 sug
1 cup chopped sweet red pepper: 46 cal, 0 fat, 9 carb, 6 sug
1 medium summer squash/zucchini: 31 cal, 0 fat, 7 carb, 3 sug
I've underlined what has worked best for me in terms of balancing low stats with feeling full. Honestly, vegetables are going to have to become your new best friend. You can pretty much eat as much of them as you want and end up only consuming like 0.3 calories. Plain raw vegetables can get old real quick though, so I usually end up grilling mine and adding a dash of salt. Don't use oil of course, just use some cooking spray and put them on a griddle or indoor grill or frying pan or whatever. Add a touch of salt and pepper and they taste marvelous. I really don't even like vegetables, but asparagus is wonderful. Stay away from corn (which isn't even really a vegetable) on the cob (though it's not too disastrous if that's all you eat for the day), and definitely stay away from potatoes of any type. They have a lot of calories and carbs. Most people say these are the only vegetables they'll eat because they're so starchy. I find humor in the fact that I'm a vegan who really only like asparagus and mushrooms as far as vegetables go (or fungi). -_-
Other...
1 rice cake: 35 cal, 0 fat, 7 carb, 0 sug
1/2 cup cooked rice: 100 cal, 0 fat, 23 carb, 0 sug
3/4 cup cereal (Puffins Original): 90 cal, 1 fat, 23 carb, 5 sug
1/4 cup almond milk unsweetened: 10 cal, 0.5 fat, 0.5 carb, 0 sug
1/2 cup cooked brown rice: 75 cal, .5 fat, 16.5 carb, 0 sug
1 boca burger: 70 cal, 0.5 fat, 6 carb, 0 sug
I've underlined what has worked best for me in terms of balancing low stats with feeling full. Anything that is made with grains should be eaten rarely or saved for right before a hardcore workout so you have the energy to not faint afterwards. -_- Boca Burgers are fantastic though, they're vegan, taste great, and have wonderful stats, and keep me pretty full for just one little burger (I've never had a beef burger, only turkey burgers as a kid, and I never liked them with buns or condiments).
Phew. There we go. So as far as "meals" go, I guess in the morning either before work or before my workout I'll make myself a boca burger or have some form of fruit. If I feel faint after working out, I can have another piece of fruit. After work I can workout and have vegetables afterwards. If I work the later half of the day I can have another boca burger before I leave. I just have to make sure I eat enough so I at least have the energy to workout the next day, and not almost pass out. So long as I stick to my 2 boca burgers and either some fruit or some vegetable meal plans, I should definitely be within my parameters. I just wish it was only about the numbers. I'm tired of working out so fucking hard and eating a hand full of grapes one or twice a day and seeing the scale go "nah-nah-nah-nah-boo-boo, observe as we display the same fucking weight you've been for the past 5 days". -_-
Miracle of the day: I have one view. Someone saw this journal in Germany. I have no idea how, since there are no links directing anyone here. I should be floating around in obscurity since I don't know how anyone is supposed to find this thing. Yeehaw I suppose.
Setting it in stone...
Previously I've been using a little notebook to keep track of everything and to list nutritional information in foods that I eat. But it has become a hassle for various reasons and no longer practical, nor easy to keep hidden. As its already so late in the day, I guess tomorrow will be my "first" day, so I'll just list some of the basic anorexic shenanigans below.
First goal weight: 115 lbs.
Second goal weight: 105 lbs.
Ultimate goal weight: 95 lbs. (or lower)
Maximum caloric intake per day (without detracting exercise or work): 250 calories, subject to decrease in 25-50 calorie intervals as weight decreases
Maximum carb intake per day: 30g
Maximum sugar intake per day: 25g
Weights/room exercises: 1/2 hour or more per day
Walking/jogging/running: 1-2 hours per day, at least 4 days a week (if weather not permitting, use elliptical or treadmill)
NO: Meat, milk/diary products, eggs, juice, fat/oils, junk food
*For those who are curious, I am a vegan. Partially because factory farming and flesh eating in general is abhorrent, and part because it makes being an anorexic just that much easier to hide and explain away*
So there are the rules and goals all nice and set in stone. From what I have read and researched, the 120 lb. "hump" as it were is a pretty common issue. So I will just have to increase my willpower even more so and really stick to the rules and record everything. Even though its miserable and only works for a little bit, I will just have to rely on water and my saviour: Lipton Diet Green Tea Citrus to keep myself full. And really push myself when exercising. And eat more vegetables than fruits. And not get discouraged by the utter bullshit of my yoyoing weight.
As far as binging goes, recent binges anyways, its sort of pathetically not even binging, and yet I still end up gaining 1-3 lbs the next day. If 4 rice cakes and/or a few extra handful of grapes or an extra plum or an extra few pieces of asparagus (aka my recent "binges") have that dramatic an impact then...umm yup, I'm completely and thoroughly fucked. Awesome. -_- So I guess, no binging. At all.
And grocery days. Those have sometimes been issues for me. Before all this started and before I became a vegan I adored sushi. Where my family shops for groceries, they have a halfway decent sushi bar. Even though most of the sushi (especially the veggie kind) is 250 calories or under, apparently it still will make my weight skyrocket. And my mother is always prodding me to get some, my little "treat" or something along those lines. Or if she tries to get something especially for vegans for me, I'll be forced to "try" it when we get home. And let's be honest here, sometimes I throw all caution to the wind and eagerly try those soy chips, or sweet potato snack bars, or whatever. But as of now, that will have to stop. No more sushi, no more "trying" foods. I guess I'll make another post of the nutritional information of food I will allow myself to eat. More for my convenience than any real "entertainment" value, though I suppose it will be educational at least.
So bytorturing myself following these rules, I hope to lose at least 1-2 lbs. per week. Ideally three, but let's not fool ourselves. It's sort of depressing realizing that even if I do follow these rules, I'll still see that fucking scale go up. Or stay the same. Sometimes I'm not sure which one is worse. They're both failures.
Onwards...
First goal weight: 115 lbs.
Second goal weight: 105 lbs.
Ultimate goal weight: 95 lbs. (or lower)
Maximum caloric intake per day (without detracting exercise or work): 250 calories, subject to decrease in 25-50 calorie intervals as weight decreases
Maximum carb intake per day: 30g
Maximum sugar intake per day: 25g
Weights/room exercises: 1/2 hour or more per day
Walking/jogging/running: 1-2 hours per day, at least 4 days a week (if weather not permitting, use elliptical or treadmill)
NO: Meat, milk/diary products, eggs, juice, fat/oils, junk food
*For those who are curious, I am a vegan. Partially because factory farming and flesh eating in general is abhorrent, and part because it makes being an anorexic just that much easier to hide and explain away*
So there are the rules and goals all nice and set in stone. From what I have read and researched, the 120 lb. "hump" as it were is a pretty common issue. So I will just have to increase my willpower even more so and really stick to the rules and record everything. Even though its miserable and only works for a little bit, I will just have to rely on water and my saviour: Lipton Diet Green Tea Citrus to keep myself full. And really push myself when exercising. And eat more vegetables than fruits. And not get discouraged by the utter bullshit of my yoyoing weight.
As far as binging goes, recent binges anyways, its sort of pathetically not even binging, and yet I still end up gaining 1-3 lbs the next day. If 4 rice cakes and/or a few extra handful of grapes or an extra plum or an extra few pieces of asparagus (aka my recent "binges") have that dramatic an impact then...umm yup, I'm completely and thoroughly fucked. Awesome. -_- So I guess, no binging. At all.
And grocery days. Those have sometimes been issues for me. Before all this started and before I became a vegan I adored sushi. Where my family shops for groceries, they have a halfway decent sushi bar. Even though most of the sushi (especially the veggie kind) is 250 calories or under, apparently it still will make my weight skyrocket. And my mother is always prodding me to get some, my little "treat" or something along those lines. Or if she tries to get something especially for vegans for me, I'll be forced to "try" it when we get home. And let's be honest here, sometimes I throw all caution to the wind and eagerly try those soy chips, or sweet potato snack bars, or whatever. But as of now, that will have to stop. No more sushi, no more "trying" foods. I guess I'll make another post of the nutritional information of food I will allow myself to eat. More for my convenience than any real "entertainment" value, though I suppose it will be educational at least.
So by
Onwards...
So here it goes...
It's somewhat ironic that I'm starting this journal/blog/collection of ramblings. I have never tried nor appreciated journaling and I abhor computers. I'm sure my long and detailed history of technology destruction (especially concerning computers) will come up at some point, but for now just realize that I am a hypocrite. An extremely dysfunctional, friendless, anorexic hypocrite. I guess since this is my first post, I should give a bit of background information...
I have either been diagnosed or strongly suspected of (by both professionals and those who live with me) as suffering from depression, bipolar disorder, asperger syndrome, and all around "not exactly the most pleasant or sane person to be around" syndrome. I guess adding anorexia to the list shouldn't really be that big of a surprise. I have had to be hospitalized and put into a "behavioral health facility" (but not for anorexia), and it was super fun. -_- Anyways, I ended up graduating high school early, over two years early, and continued on to the wonderful world of community college as I waited to...well, become old enough to attend a normal university/college/whatever. Flying through that bore, I once again found myself spiraling into destructive behavior and a lack of purpose. Its been over a year since I finished community college, and at nineteen I am once again a wreck.
As far as anorexia goes, I suppose I've been living with it for a few months now. Or failing at it rather. -_- I started off at 140 lbs. Which is average/normal/healthy for my height of 5'7". I've always had somewhat abnormal eating habits, even as a child, sometimes eating everything in sight for a day or two and then nothing at all for the next few, or becoming obsessive and eating only a certain type of food for weeks or even months (I am living proof that one can indeed live off of nothing but Peanut Butter Captain Crunch for extended periods of time). And I have always and forever will be a picky eater, as in every-mother's-nightmare type of picky eater. So like I said, anorexia isn't really mind blowing considering my track record. Currently I am 118 lbs, which is either on or on the very cusp of the "underweight" zone. Yeehaw. Unfortunately I have been bouncing back and forth between the low 120's and my lowest ever weight of 117 lbs for the past few weeks. Yeefuck. I was under the impression that those "suffering" from anorexia lost weight dangerously quickly. If you're me, I guess that little stereotype doesn't apply. -_- But onwards, right?
So the goal of this journal is to track my progress (both weight, food, and exercise) and to maybe feel not quite so alone. And offer "tips and tricks" as well...because they've obviously worked so wonderfully for me. I will probably end up doing two posts a day (or more). The first will outline any particular goals for the day and my morning weigh in. The last will list my consumption and exercise and any ramblings. And I'm sure there will be one or more in between with random pictures or "inspiration" or me cursing my very name and damning myself to pits of hell...or something.
Even though I realize this will end up just being a place where I talk to myself, should the cosmos align and I happen to gain a reader or two, feel free to comment and point out my stupidity. Or shout out every encouraging thought you can. Or speak to me in a foreign language. I'm partial to Icelandic right now. I have no idea how blogger really works, so don't be offended if I seem to ignore your comment. I will try to navigate this as best I can.
So here it goes...
I have either been diagnosed or strongly suspected of (by both professionals and those who live with me) as suffering from depression, bipolar disorder, asperger syndrome, and all around "not exactly the most pleasant or sane person to be around" syndrome. I guess adding anorexia to the list shouldn't really be that big of a surprise. I have had to be hospitalized and put into a "behavioral health facility" (but not for anorexia), and it was super fun. -_- Anyways, I ended up graduating high school early, over two years early, and continued on to the wonderful world of community college as I waited to...well, become old enough to attend a normal university/college/whatever. Flying through that bore, I once again found myself spiraling into destructive behavior and a lack of purpose. Its been over a year since I finished community college, and at nineteen I am once again a wreck.
As far as anorexia goes, I suppose I've been living with it for a few months now. Or failing at it rather. -_- I started off at 140 lbs. Which is average/normal/healthy for my height of 5'7". I've always had somewhat abnormal eating habits, even as a child, sometimes eating everything in sight for a day or two and then nothing at all for the next few, or becoming obsessive and eating only a certain type of food for weeks or even months (I am living proof that one can indeed live off of nothing but Peanut Butter Captain Crunch for extended periods of time). And I have always and forever will be a picky eater, as in every-mother's-nightmare type of picky eater. So like I said, anorexia isn't really mind blowing considering my track record. Currently I am 118 lbs, which is either on or on the very cusp of the "underweight" zone. Yeehaw. Unfortunately I have been bouncing back and forth between the low 120's and my lowest ever weight of 117 lbs for the past few weeks. Yeefuck. I was under the impression that those "suffering" from anorexia lost weight dangerously quickly. If you're me, I guess that little stereotype doesn't apply. -_- But onwards, right?
So the goal of this journal is to track my progress (both weight, food, and exercise) and to maybe feel not quite so alone. And offer "tips and tricks" as well...because they've obviously worked so wonderfully for me. I will probably end up doing two posts a day (or more). The first will outline any particular goals for the day and my morning weigh in. The last will list my consumption and exercise and any ramblings. And I'm sure there will be one or more in between with random pictures or "inspiration" or me cursing my very name and damning myself to pits of hell...or something.
Even though I realize this will end up just being a place where I talk to myself, should the cosmos align and I happen to gain a reader or two, feel free to comment and point out my stupidity. Or shout out every encouraging thought you can. Or speak to me in a foreign language. I'm partial to Icelandic right now. I have no idea how blogger really works, so don't be offended if I seem to ignore your comment. I will try to navigate this as best I can.
So here it goes...
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