Total
food consumption:
1 Boca Burger, 5 strawberries
Calorie count:
115 (pass)
Carb count: 16g (pass)
Sugar count: 5g
(pass)
Total exercise: 5 hours work, *unsure if slowly dying on the inside counts towards exercise*
Calories
burnt: At least 610
Total calories burned (excluding natural
metabolism): 495
My will to live at this point is...dangerously low.
I think I cried for about three hours today. I did not go out to jog. I did not exercise whatsoever. I lay on my bed and wept, then simply tried to close my eyes, then went to work. I had no appetite. I had my Boca Burger and some strawberries (only because they were about to go bad and I feel guilty wasting food I did not personally buy). I will probably only eat a Boca Burger or some asparagus tomorrow...if anything.
I wish I knew the reason why I cried. But I don't. I hardly ever do. All I do know is that I am tired. I am not hungry. I will not reach my goal. I will not end up exercising tomorrow. I will do nothing tomorrow. I amount to nothing. I am worth nothing.
I. Don't. Want. To. Exist.
Crying remains a mysterious phenomenon to me. I have never been allowed to cry, so I allow myself only maybe once or twice maximum per year of it, usually with little understanding of why I am even doing it... probably just to release the "pressure" building for having repressed it for so long. The rest of time I am depressed and suicidal, without the crying. I don't have much in terms of comfort to offer, but you certainly aren't alone.
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