Ranting, Rambling, and Randomness...

I did go out for an hour. Yeehaw. And I stepped up my intensity. Yeehaw. I had a Boca Burger before and a plumcot after. Hopefully I will eat pretty much nothing the rest of the day after work.

Anyways, the rest of this will just be me rambling on about a few things on my mind, most concerning eating disorders.

I'm in no way surprised how my family is reacting to all of this. After years of suffering from extreme depression and after multiple suicide attempts, my family only then came to the conclusion that "something may be wrong". It was sort of amusing how even the hospital therapist was like: "you guys were sort of slow on the uptake on this one". Understatement. They aren't abusive, cruel, or unfeeling at all. It's simply the way my family works. Both of my parents' have gone through a lot of suffering and tragedy, especially in their childhood and adolescence, and neither of them had families who confronted and discussed issues either. My mother herself has suffered from depression and anorexia. To an almost deadly end. I know I get a lot of my "mental" problems from her, so I sometimes wonder why she doesn't really interfere or mention anything. I know she knows (I'm pretty sure at this point everyone in my family knows) for she has questioned me at a few points. "You sure you don't want some, you haven't really eaten today." "You sure you don't want lunch before work?" "You look really tired, are you hungry?" But this family is in no way confrontational about serious matters. At all. I'll be 90 lbs. before any real "action" will probably take place.

I sometimes wonder why I'm doing this. I know at least a small portion of it is do to genetics and a predisposition on my mom's part (I'm not blaming her though, she can't help it). I also know part of it has to do with the perfectionist in me. I have always and forever will be a perfectionist in everything I do. Especially my passions such as art. And I think a small part may be due to my Asperger tendencies. It's almost like it's an experiment for me. I am treating myself like a specimen. Unlike a lot of girls (or a fair portion at least) who have an eating disorder, I'm not doing this to fit in, or become some pretty skinny girl, or impress guys. I have no friends, I'm asexual, and I don't really care for people in general. Honestly, I think it boils down to me displaying internal suffering, and the fact that I in no way whatsoever want to grow up. Ever. I want to be a child so badly, and I know anorexia usually stems from a fear or hatred of becoming an adult.

I have never felt like I belonged in this world/time/dimension. Like I'm some lost child who got separated from a fantastical place of wonder. And like the "Little Prince" I know I can never get home until I die. I would do anything to leave this world, or to simply not exist. I don't belong here, I can't survive here.

Alright, there we go. A little insight I suppose. I would probably have written more, but I have to go to work. Yay. -_-

*sigh*