Day 6: Final Tally, and "How to Handle Binges"...

Total food consumption: 1 Boca Burger, 6 strawberries, portion of a salad, numerous grapes
Calorie count: Between 222 and 350 (FAIL)
Carb count: At least 45g (FAIL)
Sugar count: At least 30g (FAIL)

Total exercise: 1.5 walking/jogging, 2-3 hours shopping
Calories burnt: At least 523

Total calories burned (excluding natural metabolism): Between 301 and 173

Oh.

My.

God.

So before I fully comprehend my behavior today and jump out my window (which would most likely only result in me spraining my ankle -_-) let's look over the day's events, shall we?

This morning was perfect. I had my one Boca Burger and set off to walk/jog. It was cool out, after an irritating "mini-heatwave", and I ended up going six times around my track, and was fairly pleased with myself as I was getting back on track with my routine. I came home and in an effort to do something besides stay in the house and be surrounded by food (my sister had just baked a cake "thing" with blueberries in it) I offered to help her with learning how to drive (she has been learning for a while now, but is not exactly skilled) and coached her through driving around to complete various errands (hence the shopping) as well as do the grocery shopping for my family, a trip I always enjoy (I suppose I'm living vicariously through the event as I shop for food). There was a bit of a false alarm as I somehow deluded myself into asking for a particular type of veggie sushi that wasn't available. The chef eventually told me that they were out of the tofu for it (thank goodness) and asked if I'd like something else instead. Thankfully, I came to my senses and declined. Even though I almost stumbled a bit, I considered the whole event a great victory. Sushi has been the one great source of longing for me since I delved into this anorexic lifestyle. And I turned away.

But then this is where things turned for the worse.

As soon as we came home with our groceries I almost immediately engulfed a plumcot. That in and of itself wasn't really an issue, I was just mad at my lack of self-control over how quickly I ate it. And then I had some strawberries (at the time it was only three, so I knew it was not really going to destroy my day or anything). And then things went really bad. Put the kids to bed for this one, folks. So I was eventually talked into (by my sister, of course) to take her on one last errand. Finished, she complained she was hungry and we went to Panera. I've never eaten at Panera before, and knowing this, my sister demanded I "try" something. My eyes scanning the listed calories, I knew I was going to be screwed with anything besides "water", so I tried to convince her I wasn't hungry. My family has recently become somewhat wise to my ways (they realize I'm not really eating, yet are alright with this, I'm sure I'll post something about this later on in the week -_-) and my sister argued that I had barley eaten all day (not true, I had already eaten more today than I had any other day this week). So I finally agreed to a salad. And it was huge. Luckily, I was able to get away with only eating half of it and gave her the rest. But still. It was a good 100 or so calories at least. Huuuuuuurrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh. O_o

And then came my mini binge. The true horror of the day. I. Ate. So. Many. Fucking. Grapes.

I lost count. I just kept eating them. Could it have been worse. Oh yea, a lot worse. But still, I had been doing so well lately. I know I won't shoot up 6 lbs or anything, but I doubt what I see tomorrow will make me happy. I'm just so angry that I ate so much when I really didn't need to. The burger and plum was acceptable, perfect even. Even just one or two strawberries or a small handful of grapes would have been alright. But nooooooo, I had to eat that stupid salad with that stupid dressing, with all those stupid fucking grapes. And I almost considered just fucking it all by eating some chips or cereal or something. Miraculously I actually showed some restraint. Somehow.

I'm a failure. And I hate myself for today. I could have made progress, but instead I screwed it up!

But I also have fresh determination to really nip this binging in the butt. I know I can do it because today could have been sooooooooo muuuuuuuch woooooooooorse.

So here is a short tips and strategy list for what to do before, during, and after a binge...

Before...

· Stop and really consider what you’re going to get out of this. Will that small bag of chips, or slice of pizza, or scoop of icecream really satisfy your hunger? No. So you will eat more. And more. And more.

· Remember that once you start, it is so hard to put the food down. You've already awakened your stomach and it won't give up it's desire for even more food without a fight. The hunger you're feeling now will look like a trip to the park compared to the hunger you will have to face when trying to stop mid binge.

· Drink water. Or any calorie/sugar free drink. Load up on the liquid till you feel sick. The you will not want to eat anything.

· I personally don't like gum (and most brands aren't vegan), but it may work for you. It will at least keep your mouth busy while not consuming vast quantities of calories.

· Try to distract yourself with any activity, from exercise to reading to looking at thinspo. Anything that requires both hands (none left to eat) or gets you away from your food source is perfect.

· Calculate all the nutritional information of about 10 servings of whatever your about to eat. Realize you will probably surpass consuming even that amount. Still hungry?

During...

· Don't worry, it's never too late to stop. The worst thing you can do is say to yourself: "oh well, I already ruined my day, why stop now?" Why? Well let's see, how does only 800 calories worth of chips or bread, or whatever compare to 2,000? A calorie is a calorie and every single one of them counts.

· Sprinkle some sort of condiment that disgusts you over your food. Hopefully you won't continue to eat it anymore.

· Keep drinking. Try to fill up on as much water as possible, rather than the food.

· DON'T eat in front of the tv or computer, you will quickly lose track and eat much more than you intended.

After...

· Don't panic.

· Try to count up the calorie/nutritional information as best you can, become aware of what you have consumed.

· Treat it as a learning experience, but don't go easy on yourself. Try to see if anything in particular "set you off" and realize in the future to avoid similar situations.

· Throw out or cease buying any foods you tend to binge on. These are usually foods with high fat and carb counts (breads, grains, pastas, pizzas, etc.)

· WEIGH YOURSELF THE NEXT DAY. You need to realize the conqequences of your actions, otherwise you will never learn. I don't care how much you ate, or how many pounds you think you gained. Weigh yourself. When you see how many pounds result in eating 15 cupcakes, you will think twice next time.

Alright, there we go. Nothing groundbreaking here, but I knew I needed to put down something. I will most likely add to this list as time goes by.

I'm still disgusted with myself. (If I had my green tea this wouldn't have happened. But my parents refuse to let me drink it anymore. Too bad, I'm buying some and keeping them hidden in my room.)

Ugh...why?